Where the Rubber Meets the Road

I've thought about writing this post for a while now. I've put it off for many reasons, but tonight it just feels like it's coming out whether I like it or not. Truth is, I'm in the middle of a season that has in some ways stretched longer than I expected it to, and in others has already flown by so fast that it's a frequent reminder of how fleeting this thing called time is.

I'm still in college. And lately, that makes me smile ruefully because if I'd followed my plan heading out of high school, I could have been done by now. Don't ask me how much longer I have, because I honestly don't know. God has literally turned every plan I had for college inside-out. I haven't graduated yet; I've transferred schools and taken a semester off last year after having taken an entire year off between the end of high school and my Freshman year at my first college; while I have a major (which I was still undecided on when I graduated high school), I've slowed down in my pursuit of it, partially in order to get as much out of it as I can. I've never really loved school. I've enjoyed learning alright, but I've always wanted to be done with school as quickly and painlessly as possible. While that hasn't changed though, I'm now eager for the opportunity and excuse to stick around longer than the typical schedule would have me here. Because what I've mostly learned all throughout my college experience thus far, is that it's not so much about the grades and the classes and the education, as it is about the people, and about following Christ and seeking Him first and foremost in everything.

And, I'm still living at home. That changed for a few years, but since the college transition last year I've been back in my parents' house for the time-being. And I'll readily admit, that hasn't always been easy. But I came to grips pretty early on after I moved back that finding another living situation merely to escape issues or conflict was not the right motivation, but that I needed to work through things with my family and learn to do life with differing schedules and more communication about such things. And while we're still not always perfect with how we handle such things, things have gotten better and in hindsight I've been able to see more clearly the importance of sticking things out rather than fleeing for mere convenience's sake.

Meanwhile, my little sister (younger by a year) just got married last month to a swell guy I'm pleased to call my brother. And she's not the only one: friend after friend is getting married or engaged or having children and sending me adorable pictures of them. And while God's been clearer than He by rights ever had to be with me that all that lies ahead of me somewhere, now just doesn't seem to be it. Ironically, I find myself yearning for that time to come sooner more often in the midst of seeing divorces and struggling marriages around me--not because I think I could handle it any better, but because I yearn for the opportunity to go through the ups and downs of this life with the commitment to someone I'm one with, to wrestle through the hard stuff and see our weakness and look to the One who is able to redeem us and our own brokenness in the midst of everything.

But you know what? I would not trade this season, for all its difficulty, for all its loneliness, for all its drudgery (ahem, schoolwork), or all its length. God has given me the incredible opportunity to walk a path that doesn't necessarily make sense to the culture we live in, because I'm not reliant on an education, a career, or a significant other. Just Jesus. Because He is enough. And I wouldn't trade the opportunity I have in the right here and the right now to live this out and prove with some small portion of my life that it's not about success; it's not about an earthly romance; it's not about a ten-year plan or that family and white-picket fence ideal. You need none of these things to be whole. Just Jesus. And He's worth it. He's worth seeing my plans shattered, whether He brings new and more beautiful ones from the shards or not. He's worth trusting even when I can't see how things are going to fall into place.

I have the awesome privilege of pouring some of my time and energy into some amazing young ladies in my church family. And there's absolutely no way I would trade this season of being able to live out in front of them the fact that they don't need a guy in order to follow Jesus. That this singleness is not a drudgery of pining, but an adventure to be taken hold of, in which there is very little that needs to hold you back from learning to walk boldly, humbly, and increasingly-closely with your God. In a lot of ways, I get to spread myself thinner in this season than I will someday when I do have a husband and family to spend the majority of my energy pouring into. At the same time, this season is practice and training for what lies ahead. I've noticed God tends to be preparing us fro the next step in some way even when we're oblivious to it; later we look back and see how everything was built together to get us to this moment. Loving people well now is preparation for loving them better in the future. Learning to love like He loves is a process, and it's one none of us have reached the end of yet.

Despite the cultural norms that tell us our life will suddenly become ideal when this piece or that one falls into place (i.e., when you get that dream job, or marry your best friend, finish that degree, or move to a "better" place)--the truth is it's in the here and now that the rubber meets the road, where who you are and what you're about are tested repeatedly throughout every day. This moment prepares you for tomorrow, and whether you succeed or fail is not nearly as important as what you turn to. Because I serve a God who has picked me up after my worst mistakes and failures, and caused me to stand not because I had it in me, but because I had Him in me. I serve a God who has taken all my relative "successes" and asked me to let them go, to lean not on what my own abilities can accomplish, but on His ability to accomplish so much more.

Dad and I recently went to see Captain America 2: The Winter Soldier, and as we were driving home he shared with me that at some point during the movie it had hit him that Captain America can save so many people from dying temporarily, but only Jesus can save them from dying eternally--that what Jesus saves is saved forever. You and I can do many things to benefit others or make this world a little bit more of a nicer place to live in. But I would much rather make it a harder place to stay dead in. It's something only God can make happen, but I firmly believe He's invited us to work alongside Him and be His hands and feet to reach the people of this world with His heart.

It's not always sunshine and triumph. Many times it's years of seemingly-fruitless toil and tears and prayers, or long nights of grief over things, situations, relationships that are not right in this world. Often it's learning to love in the midst of brokenness, to respond with kindness when it would be easier and even instinct to respond with harshness or venom. It's learning to be there for someone even when you feel you have nothing to offer them, or when you feel you need that last ounce of energy for yourself and your own sanity. It's being quick to listen and slow to speak, quick to bless and slow to curse, quick to comfort and slow to lecture, quick to forgive and slow to anger, quick to lay down your life for another and slow to put your own best interest above another's.

So what do you say? Are you in? He's calling you, just as He's calling me. Let's not waste our days waiting for life to start in the future; let's be a part of the future coming to the here and now. His Kingdom will come and is coming to this broken earth. I'd rather be in the midst of the fray than on the sidelines as I watch Him transform hearts and minds for His glory. I've found it usually involves my own heart and mind being transformed as well. And isn't that the point--that we all end up looking a little more like Jesus each day? There's no better place to be than the center of His will. 

Follow hard. Eternal life starts now.

Again.

This morning, I woke up earlier than usual and couldn't quite make it back to sleep. Feeling a bit restless, and wondering if I should write, I powered on my computer, and the first thing to greet me was a friend's blog post I had opened but left unread in my browser window from yesterday (I have a bad habit of doing that--pulling up blogs and other sites/articles and leaving them to read later). I haven't heard from her in quite a while, so instead of closing the window and opening the word processor, I began to read. And it broke my heart. What she had to share seeped into cracks that hadn't quite penetrated all the way to the point where the tears flow, and opened that place of grief, of pain, of knowing more fully that this world is not as it should be.

It's partially because she's not the first. I've had other friends, even people I grew up in church with, whose parents have divorced in recent years. Just last week, I found out that two good friends are in the process of a divorce. I'm not here to judge the motives or the hearts of any of these people, because I don't know them. Every divorce I've heard about has been between people I've not been in contact with in years. And it always leaves me thinking, "What happened?" 

Because, I knew you (with the exception to the parents of the friend whose post I read earlier this morning). I saw the smiles, the laughter, heard the everyday comments that may have expressed annoyance or displeasure with something, but ultimately...I thought we were all on the same page. I thought you had committed to something that was only to be separated by death. Not by struggle, not by difficulty. Not even by sin. I thought you had, both of you, pledged to love eachother through the hard times, pledged to show Christ to one another, to walk through life together, as a team.

My heart aches for every divorce I hear about, even if those involved are complete strangers to me. Because if marriage is meant to be a representation of Christ and His Church, of two people laying down their lives for eachother just as Christ did for His Bride and just as we are called to for the sake of our King--then a separation of that just seems...unnatural. It feels like a fracture of everything our families and even our daily lives are founded upon.

We live in a broken, fallen world, and all is not as it should be.

If you don't believe me, look at the little boy joining a gang because it's the only place he's ever felt somewhat accepted; look at the girl trying to dress a certain way to feel beautiful and wanted in ways she doesn't; look at the foster kid who's been stripped of everything he's known and handed from one "home" to another because he's just too much trouble to put up with; look at the man standing on a street corner because "some bad choices" have alienated him from his family and there's no way they'll ever consider taking him back; look at the famous people overdosing on drugs or throwing their lives away on empty pursuits because not even money and acclaim can satisfy them.

I'm not saying family is the answer. I'm not even saying marriage or staying married is the answer. Because at the end of the day, there is only one answer, one solution, to this world's brokenness--and that is the One who makes all things new. The Redeemer. The Healer of broken hearts and severed lives. He will not abandoned us. He has not abandoned us. In our darkest hour, when our world caves in, He is here, He is whole, and He is able. When everything else in this world and this life fail us, He never changes. He alone is faithful. Nothing we could ever do can change Him or turn His hearts from us, because He loved us first.

He saw that divorce coming. And it grieved His fatherly heart, because no divorce comes without the unnatural pain of that severing, nor without devastating in some way all parties involved, including (and sometimes especially) the children. He does not delight in our suffering, but He most certainly walks with us through it. Because He is God. And He sees the end from the beginning. He knows it doesn't end here. He knows what He plans to reforge, and He knows how He will redeem every single sin and breakage and pain for our ultimate good and His ultimate glory.

If life were all sunshine and easy paths, if we had no obstacles and no heartbreak, we would never experience what it means to truly live. It's when we face adversity that we have a choice to make; to follow God even when we can't see where He's leading; to trust Him--or to go our own way based upon what we can see and what we feel capable of. It's when we chose the former that we see Him come through in ways we never imagined were possible. And it's when we chose the latter that we discover His grace truly is enough--that He is able to take even our worst mistakes and our most devastating failures, and forgive them, and walk with us through the consequences, and display His great love as He patiently bears with us in our weakness and shows us that He is faithful even when we repeatedly fail.

Our God is not daunted by evil. He's not terrified of our sin. He's not distant in our suffering. He is here, always. And I pray you come to know that in a deeper way, whoever you are, reading this right now. Whether you're in agony over your own life situations right now, or reeling from someone else's choices that have effected you, or simply looking for hope in a world that's so broken. Because we're all looking for hope. We're all in need of healing. We're all in need of a love that never fails.

And I for one have found what my soul longs for. There is peace in the storm and faith in the questions and hope in the pain, because Jesus Christ has proven Himself true, faithful, and able. Always. He is the Redeemer. I'm not saying it's easy; it almost never is. But it's worth it, to trust Him, to know Him, to see Him at work in this world. He is worth above and beyond all that He's ever asked me to trust Him with.

By His power at work within us and this world, one day all will be as it should be. Again.

He is able to make beauty from the ashes.