Why Am I Here?

Lately I've been realizing more and more how atypical I am, how ironic my life right now really is. I'm not your typical college student. I didn't come to college to get a high-paying job, to afford a nice house and a fancy car, to have a husband, 1.3 kids, and a dog. I'm not here to find a man. I'm not here to prove myself, academically or otherwise. I'm not here to get away from home and my family. It seems like I'm not here for any of the possible reasons most people go to college. So why am I here?

Honestly, that's something I questioned a lot, particularly during my first month or so here at MC. If you don't believe me, ask the people back home who, when I came home one weekend for a visit a few weeks into school, asked how college was and all I could say was an emphatic, "It's good to be home!" I had to wrestle through this question, because from the start I haven't been here for any of the reasons I just listed. During those first few weeks, I repeatedly found myself asking God, "Am I really supposed to be here? Can I please drop out?" A large part of what made me want to be anywhere but here is just how grieved I was to see the spiritual state of things. I'm at a university that calls itself Christian, but with all the distractions, the complacency, the subtle lies that seem to surround and permeate this campus on so many levels, at first especially it was hard for me to see any signs of life or hope. 

God's been clear with me all along that this is where He's called me. And so with that for me to cling to, He has shown me step by step that there is nothing too daunting for Him, that He is greater and stronger than everything that tries to pull the people on this campus away from Him. Through reminding me of who He is and what He wills to do, God has given me joy and faith and the grace to persevere here. 

So you might be wondering at this point why I am here. Well, in some ways I have answers to that, and in some ways I don't. Ultimately, I'm here for God's glory. Whether that means being here to be a real friend to some of the people He's put me in contact with and to live out my faith before them, or to seize hidden opportunities to serve and bless people even if they'll never know who did it, or to give a much-needed hug to one of the cleaning staff...I cannot imagine or list all the ways God can possibly use me, even in the little things, here. 

But why am I at college, earning a degree? Well, here's where you're about to see just how atypical a college student I am. =)

I'm at college to hone some skills and to earn a degree which will hopefully help me get a job editing (though I may easily wind up working for minimum wage at a gym or a fast-food chain instead), to make end's meat and go live in the "hood," to take the Gospel to those who need it and know they need it and to live among them daily as a witness of God's grace, to take on the principalities and spiritual powers that have claimed their turf in the heart of my city, and to watch my God fight for us and prove to everyone Who is the Lord Most High. I fully expect to die with a bullet in my head one day, or something similar. And, call me crazy, but what better way to go than to die standing and fighting for my God to be known by those whom Satan will fight tooth-and-nail to see destroyed?

So that's why I'm here, and it all starts now. On my own, I am completely incapable of any of this. But greater is He who is in me than he that is in this world, and I will live and die to prove that. 

Daily, may I live and die to prove that. Daily, may I lay down my rights, my desires, my way, and watch You fill me with the fullness of all You are, King Jesus. You are the Way. You are the Truth. You are the Life. You are Love. You are Lord of all, so be Lord of all I am. Have Your way.

Worthless Without You

This afternoon I stumbled across half a sheet of paper on which a little over a month ago I had written a song...well, the lyrics anyway. I figured out some chords to it today, but thought I'd share the lyrics. It's a song about probably the main thing God's been revealing to me during my time at college thus far. The recurring theme has been this: "Apart from Me, you can do nothing." I'm pretty sure Jesus meant that. =) It's so true, unless we are abiding in Him, seeking Him, being led by Him, anything we try in our own strength to work up or to do, comes to nothing. We can't do anything worthwhile, but He can. May we be overtaken by Him more and more, be used of Him to advance His Kingdom and do His work...for without Him, without Him abiding in us and we in Him, we can do nothing.

Worthless without You

  I was busy dying, embracing everything that would kill me,

  Running from and fighting the only One who could save me.

  I was trapped inside my darkness, imprisoned by my own sin,

  Until You rescued me.

Now I'm busy living, running after the Source of all things good.

I'm caught up living for You, dying to me, to see You move.

I've forsaken all I once lived for, all I ever knew.

For You are worth far more.

  You rescued, You redeemed, You gave worth to this life.

  I was not worth the price You paid, 

  But You are worthy of my life, bought by Your blood.

  Apart from You, I can do nothing.

  So have Your way. Be Lord of all.

Now I'm busy living, running after the Source of all things good.
I'm caught up living for You, dying to me, to see You move.
I've forsaken all I once lived for, all I ever knew.
For You are worth far more.

     Apart from You, I can do nothing.
     I must "Do or do not. There is no try."
     Unless You build the house, my labor will be in vain.
     It must be You; it can't be me.
     For anything I do in my own strength is only filthy rags.
     I'm worthless without You.

Now I'm busy living, running after the Source of all things good.
I'm caught up living for You, dying to me, to see You move.
I've forsaken all I once lived for, all I ever knew.
For You are worth far more.

 Jesus, You are worth far more...

Two Things That Can't Be Separated

Here's a question for you:
How important is it for Christian musicians and worship leaders to have sound doctrine?
After all, their specialty and gifting is in music and singing, right?

Here's another question:
Is that the way it should be?

I've grown up in a generation that (whether people--even leaders--have ever come right out and said this or not) has tried to separate doctrine from worship. As listeners, church members, and customers, we (myself included) have not required of our musicians an understanding of even basic doctrine. Just because a band or an artist claims to be Christian, we'll support them. As I said, I cannot separate myself from this. For years of my life, though I was not always convinced certain bands were Christian just because they said so, I listened to "Christian" music that I have since realized has bad doctrine or even none at all behind it.
But today I'm here to tell you that sound doctrine is absolutely vital to true worship. What is worship? Adoration and praise of our glorious God, right? Can we really be motivated to worship--truly worship (see John 4:24)--without having a correct view of Who God is?
And on the flip-side, what is doctrine without worship? I'd question whether it is truly possible to have one without the other. When you see God as He is, when you behold the Truth, how can you help but be moved to heartfelt worship? He is far too majestic and awesome for us to fully comprehend in the first place, but even just a glimpse of His glory is enough to send the beholders straight to our knees and faces in wonder. Our praise must be based on Truth, or else it is groundless and just a fake stirring of emotion.

You cannot have true worship without true doctrine.

And when you really understand true doctrine, it must (and will) invariably drive you to worship.

So here's my challenge to the worship leader, the songwriter, the musician--get your doctrine straight; your job is (and should be) to point people to Jesus. And what better way to do that than to know Him more, to know the truth about Him, to behold Him as He truly is... And when you see Him in His glory, it becomes that much easier to draw others' gazes to Him as well. That's where worship begins--knowing and beholding God almighty.
May we as believers in the one true God behold and sing and testify of the greatness of our God. Every knee will bow, and every tongue confess that Jesus is Lord...for us, may it be today. May we focus on the Glorious One and forget our selves in His presence. May we dwell and walk with Him, learning more about Him and simultaneously worshiping Him for all He is.
This is what we were made for.

Shall We Start with a Song?

Well, I'm going to begin posting soon (finally!) about my findings in studying the words translated "praise" and "worship" throughout the Bible. And to start things off, well, how's about a song?

This is a song I wrote a little over a year ago, and it seemed like a fairly fitting way to begin a study of praise and worship. This song was birthed out of a time of mingled worship and conviction. One day during the summer semester of Ellerslie in 2010, Eric Ludy read worshipfully through a list he had compiled of the Names of God. As I sat there reading along with the others, my heart was drawn to deeper adoration than perhaps ever before, but at the same time I was convicted thinking of the way that all of creation and nature has continued to declare the glory of God, while so often His people--who were created to sing His praise even louder--fail to give Him the glory due His Name. During that time of worship, the cry of my heart became for my King to gain the glory He deserves in and through His people's lives, starting with mine.

To Sing Glory

For too long, we have let nature sing louder than us

Of Your power and Your wisdom, Your majesty and Your praise.

Now it's time for Your Bride to rise and take her place

And sing the song You deserve to tell of Your matchless grace.

     We were created to sing glory.

     We were made to adore You, to sing glory.

     Glory...Glory...Glory.

We will sing of Your glory, Your power in the earth.

We'll proclaim all Your gospel. We'll sing 'til all have heard.

We will stand on Your Truth and the promise of Your Word.

We won't wait any longer to sing of Your matchless worth.

     We were created to sing glory.

     We were made to adore You, to sing glory.

     Glory...Glory...Glory.

  We were created to sing glory.

  We were made for this, our purpose--to glorify our King.

  May our lives live up to their true purpose,

  Not with words alone to sing Your glory.

     We were created to sing glory.

     We were made to adore You, to sing glory.

     Glory...Glory...Glory...

Focusing

Well, I officially started college today. And through what I've seen over the past few days being on campus before all the classes started, it's becoming more and more evident to me that there are a few places that, as a college student, I could place my focus. Here's the list and a little bit of description:

The "MRS Degree"-Seeker

Here to find a boyfriend/husband. And no, I don't at all fall into this category. I'm not on the lookout; I don't even want anything of the sort to take place. Part of that, honestly, is because I have yet to meet even one man who is running hard after Christ. Now, granted, I haven't gotten to know hardly any guys ('cause I'm not looking!). But I'm growing a little more aware of how few men of God there are, even at a Christian college. But the main reason I'm not here after an "MRS Degree" is simply that I trust God to lead the man He wants me to marry to me at the right time. 

The Social Butterfly

I'm not looking for a mate. So, I could still just get to know as many people as possible, becoming gradually more and more obsessed with what they would all think of me, and gradually watching it become harder and harder for me to stand up for the Truth in any given situation.

The Studious Survivor

The other extreme would be to simply keep my nose buried in my books, not pay any attention to everyone and everything around me, and survive. This would be the "responsible" route to take, and my grades would probably be amazing if that was all I ever concentrated on. And, I could probably make it all the way through college without being much influenced by those around me.

But there's something I'd be lacking and missing out on if I followed any of these routes. Sinking into any of these ruts would mean I'd have to first forget that I have tasted of sweeter waters, I have already experienced a taste of the greater life I am called to. And because I've already tasted that, even if I tried going another way, it would have no savor for me; it would just seem dull and boring. 'Cause, here's the deal...I know Jesus!! I've been changed by Him. I've grown in my love for and devotion to Him. I've watched Him perform incredible miracles within my own soul and life, not to mention in others'. 

And so the decision I find myself facing as I enter college is this: Will I live for Him, or for me? That said, here's the "title" I'm going for during my time at college:

The Fully-Given

I want to be poured out. I want to be focused single-mindedly on the only thing--the only One--that ultimately matters. Jesus, make me wholly surrendered to Your will and to Your Spirit. My time is not my own, so don't let me act as though it is. My life is not my own, it's Yours, so why should I worry about what others will think? Help me live out the truth that I am Yours. Help me be a demonstration of a life lived for--no, lived by You. May I proclaim with more than my mouth that "There is no one else for me, none but Jesus, crucified to set me free. Now I live to bring You praise." Make my life a prayer and an offering to You. 

I know I've not signed up for an easy life, but I also know it will be meaningful. I know I can no longer live for myself, but I also know it's so much more satisfying to live for You. I know I'm completely incapable of living out the life I'm called to, but I also know You, and Your ability to do in and through my life what is utterly impossible for me to accomplish on my own. 

We're living in the midst of a spiritual war, and I for one want to be on the front lines fighting for my King's glory and Kingdom, not off in a corner piddling with my own little life and trying to make something of it on my own. I will die fighting if I have to (in fact, the idea has quite a bit of appeal), but by no means am I going to roll over and play dead for however many more years I may be alive on this earth.

This Is War!

A Black-and-White Issue

What I am about to write is possibly one of the boldest and most politically incorrect things I've ever taken a public stance on. But that can't stop me from writing it. A conviction and righteous indignation that has been stirring within me for years, well over half my nineteen-year-old life, has finally risen to the surface so strongly that I simply can't keep my mouth shut or my fingers from typing. If I try, I'll explode; it's no use. So, here goes.

On my wall is a poster I made, which holds a whole list of things I am praying about for my city. It's nothing fancy. The top reads "Fighting for Memphis" and below that the lists are separated into two columns: "Fighting For..." and "Fighting Against." It's not a comprehensive list, either. I've run out of room on my single sheet of poster board, and one of these days I'll get another one to go beneath to continue the list. But the very first topic on the right-hand column (things I'm fighting against), is racism.

Yep, I said it. Racism.

I've lived in Memphis all my life, with the exception of the six months I was at Ellerslie in Colorado. Hence, I've grown up in the heart of the Mid-South. And I can tell you, racism is very much alive today, and has been all my life and even before. Anyone who's lived here in Memphis knows it, even if they wouldn't admit it. And I'm willing to bet, based both on conversations I've had with friends who've grown up even up North, and on my knowledge of human nature and the lies that have been passed down for so long, that it's alive and well in other places too.
Before I go any further, there is something I need to say. I am living proof that someone can grow up in an area where racism is as prevalent as it is in Memphis, and not be racist themselves. I'm not trying to sound arrogant or prideful, but it's true. I've heard people say things like "You can't convince me that when you look at me you don't notice I'm black." Well, to a level, that's true, but let me tell you something. When I meet someone for the first time, of course I notice what color their skin is. Just like I notice what color their hair and eyes are. And in the same way that I don't, when I meet someone with red hair, immediately imagine some boundary between us because "My hair's brown and hers is red--what if we can't relate to eachother?" Do you see how ridiculous that sounds? Same goes for blondes--some of the brightest, smartest people I know are blonde (so cut the jokes). And same goes for Asians--one of my closest friends in the world is Asian. And the same goes for African Americans. My youngest brother is black, and so is my "big bro" (family friend whom we've sort of adopted, but not legally or anything).

Let's get something straight here. There is one race that exists, and only one that has ever existed--the human race. It doesn't matter what color anyone's hair or eyes or skin tone are; we all came from Adam and Eve. Racism. Break it down, and the word literally means a belief in the existence of races. And this idea that has so penetrated and plagued our prideful, sinful, self-righteous minds for hundreds of years--this idea that there is more than one race--is a lie straight from Hell. If you don't believe me, look at its fruit. Ever seen racism produce good fruit? Love? Joy? Peace? Patience? Goodness? Kindness? I sure haven't. I've seen it cause strife, division, hatred, murder, deceit, and pride--and none of those are at all praiseworthy.
I am sick and tired of watching this lie eat away at my city and my fellow man. I've grown up and somehow escaped its poison, but in that I find myself in the minority. And that's sad. What's even more sad is that this lie is so prevalent in the Church. Know that I'm not throwing a general slur out there and saying that every church body is controlled by racism. But at the same time I know we're not free of it completely in the American church. And that has to change. I'm not holding you to my opinion, but to the Word of God:

"...ye have put off the old man with his deeds; and have put on the new man, which is renewed in knowledge after the image of Him that created him: wherein there is neither Greek nor Jew, circumcision nor uncircumcision, Barbarian, Scythian, bond, nor free: but Christ is all, and in all." -Colossians 3:9-11

By all means, let us throw off the bonds that hinder us, stare down the lies that try to destroy from the inside out, and confront those lies with the Truth.

Before I was born, but not so long ago in our nation's history, there was a great movement that took place and fought for human rights and equality. We know it as the Civil Rights Movement. But I'm here to tell you, while that movement was largely victorious, it was only going after a symptom, and not the root of the real issue. The issue is not discrimination, it is not "racism" in the sense of treating people differently because of the color of their skin or because of their upbringing. The issue lies within our own hearts, in our idiotic pride that would dare say, "I am more important or more special or of more worth than someone else because of _____." And here I must plead guilty, for I cannot pretend that I have never acted out the lie that I and my own interests and "rights" are greater or more important than those of anyone else. I have. I have selfishly looked out for my own interests and not the interests of others. I have treated others--even and perhaps especially my own parents and family members--like they were less important than me. The lie we are so prone to believe deep down, that it's all about me and the world all revolves around me, stems from the exact same place that the lie of racism does. And it's sin. There is no other name for it, for it goes directly against what God has mandated.

So, America, let's repent of our sin. Let's confess before the God Who already knows, and ask Him by His grace to change our hearts and make them like His. This is something only He can do. No matter how many movements we have, Jesus is the only One who can change our hearts. I've grown up free, by the grace of God, from racism, shielded in part by my parents' solid belief in the Bible and their lack of racism. But I know my God, and I know there is no sin too great for Him to overcome. You want victory? Side with Him, and trust Him for it. He's able, and He's faithful.

I don't know how many people will read this. And to a large extent, I don't care. That's in God's hands, and if He wants to have just a few people read it and be stirred, whether to repentance or to prayer, or both--it's fine with me. And though my flesh shrinks from the idea of a huge number of people (especially people who don't know me) reading all this, my spirit is altogether willing to allow that to be the case, if God so chooses.

That is all.

The Adventure

There's a truth that's gradually come to my attention within the past year or so, which lately has also become a challenge to my soul:

Life is supposed to be an adventure. 

It explains a lot. It explains why we as humans are so drawn to adventure, whether it be in a fictional story in a book or a movie, or the more real-life adventures like camping, hiking, and such. But perhaps before I go too far down the road of what this means, I should backtrack and give some evidence that this is truth and not just my own opinion.
First, how about a definition of "eternal life"? After all, that is what we as Christians are promised, correct? I know in our day and age "eternal life" is seen to mean simply that when we die, we will go to live forever in heaven. Well, guess how Jesus defined it?

"And this is life eternal, that they might know Thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, Whom Thou has sent."        -John 17:3

That's right, eternal life is knowing God. I wonder if you're caught as stunned and simply awestruck as I was a few weeks ago when my sister brought that verse up in a conversation. I'm sure I had read it before, but quite certain it had never hit home until then. And get this, the Greek word translated there as "know" is actually pretty specific; it means intimately knowing someone in the way a husband and wife know each other. Jesus isn't talking about being simply acquainted with Him. See, He is eternal life.

"I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life: no man cometh unto the Father but by Me." -John 14:6

 Now, back to the adventure aspect. Let me ask you something, is a life of total abandon and surrender to a call to lay down everything (including our lives, for we are not our own [see 1 Corinthians 6:19-20])--does that sound like a dull, ordinary life? Sure doesn't to me. And look at the other side of this calling we have as Christians: we get to know Jesus Christ, and we get to be transformed by Him, into His likeness. And we're called to fight! I love the analogy in Ephesians 6 when Paul tells us to "put on the armor of God." Why would we wear armor, why would we have a sword, if we're not in the midst of a battle?

There's this myth that has been readily embraced by the majority of American churches and Christians these days. It goes like this: There are only a few select Christians in every generation that are called to step up and live out a radical Christianity that stands out, that accomplishes much for the Kingdom of God, that brings them ridicule and scorn; there are a few called-out ones in each generation who will step up and take the lead, and live a fully yielded and poured-out life for Jesus. I used to believe it, too. But guess what? I've got news for ya. Know how many times this idea is backed up by Scripture? ZERO.
When Jesus is saying "Whosoever will come after Me, let him deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me,"
do you see some little exemption clause anywhere in the surrounding text? Did He pause just then and say, "Well, those are the requirements for My followers who are to be the 'extreme' ones. But the rest of you..." Um, no.
Let's pause for just one second, too, and take a look at those requirements our King laid out for us:
Whosoever--anyone, whoever
will--The word implies an exertion of the will. This is no flippant decision.
come after--follow, pursue
Me--Jesus, the Messiah, Emmanuel (God with us), the King of all kings, the Lamb that was slain...
let him
deny--renounce completely 
himself--all you are, including your desires, your dreams, your talents...everything that defines you
take up--pick up, carry
his--your own
cross--an instrument of torture and death (sound fun?)
and--plus, in addition to
follow--pursue, keep company with, become disciple of, side with
Me--our King, our Master, our Life, our Leader, our Example-Setter, our Savior...


THIS is what we're called to. These are the requirements that Jesus Christ Himself set for all who would follow Him, who would be called by His Name. And last time I checked, we're not at all capable in our own strength and abilities to do any of this--which is where the adventure comes in. He didn't leave us with an impossible task and no means of carrying it out. We have His very Spirit dwelling inside us, transforming our minds by the power of His Word and changing our hearts as we come to intimately know Him, as we willingly offer ourselves to Him as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to Him.

See what I mean? ADVENTURE! The adventure of a lifetime awaits...

And that's exactly what has been challenging me lately with sweet conviction. I have tasted such adventure. I've walked these trails, or the beginnings of them. But there's deeper to go--so much deeper! Indeed, with an infinitely great God, there shall always be more of Him to know. So why do I sometimes catch myself sitting on the sidelines, watching my life drag by without this sense of adventure? The answer, though painful, is simple: the times that happens are the times I have taken my gaze off Christ. It happens when I choose to live for myself and to simply go through the motions instead of living moment-by-moment completely consumed by and caught up in the wonder of all He is and all He has in store. When I'm not getting my directions from Him, I tend to flounder. When I'm not pursuing Him and more of Him, I find myself and my life seeming strange and empty.
I don't know about you, but I for one love adventure. And the last thing I want is to live a boring, ordinary life when I'm called to more. So let's shake off the complacency that has settled in in our comfortable, safe Christianity, and chase the adventure God's set before us. Let's run this race with endurance, not staggering or fainting from fatigue, but leaning wholly upon His mighty strength in our weakness, so that we may truly run and not grow faint, but instead rise up on wings as eagles'. Let's press hard and stop settling for less than what God has in store--settling for less than eternal life, which is knowing Him. Onward!

"Have I not commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee withersoever thou goest."        -Joshua 1:9

Revival--Do We Really Desire It?

Well, I'm home for the second day between getting home from Colorado (visiting Ellerslie and some of my dear brothers and sisters in Christ there), and departing again for my youth group's roadtrip to Youth America tomorrow. I should be packing. Or should I? Packing can wait; what God is pressing on my heart cannot. I don't think I can wait another week before I write about it. So, here goes. 

About a month ago, I wrote a song that was inspired both by what God has been teaching me, and by a quote from Keith Green. When I read his biography, No Compromise, a year or two ago, there were several quotes that jumped off the page at me, but there is only one I can remember word-for-word. In his journal one day Keith Green wrote, "Lord, let there be revival and let it begin in me!" 

For years, I have longed to see true revival sweep through my generation, setting them on fire for God and His Kingdom. But at the same time, I was content to remain as I was. In retrospect, if I were now to put into words the cry and attitude of my heart even just about a year ago, it would be something like this:

"Lord, reveal Yourself to my generation and change them! They need You so desperately, and rather than surrendering to You and living as they were created to and glorifying You, they are pursuing vain and pitiful things of this world, leading themselves only to darkness, despair, and destruction. You've brought me to truly know You; now bring them to this place, that they may see how much better their lives could really be when You are the center as You ought to be." Up to this point, this is likely what my verbal prayers would have looked like. But there was another side, a side I was blind to at the time. While crying out for others to know God, my heart was inwardly saying at the same time, "But, God, I'm perfectly content to remain at this spot where I am. I think I've reached the place where I'm ready to do Your work in the areas You've called me to, ministering to my little circle of influence, and if You make a way for it, to a larger audience. But we're good. I've reached the epitome of knowing You, and need go no further. I know I'm called to be kind of "radical" in a way, but not to the same extreme as some of Your followers from times past." I had no longing to know Him more, no desire to be further conformed into His image and to be made strong so that I would have strength to pour out for others. 

And just in the past year or so, God has brought me to my knees on that point. He's shown me that following Him truly means laying everything else at His feet, fully yielding all I am and all I have to give to Him, giving up my preconceived "rights" and allowing Him to have His way in and with my life in every aspect. I've not reached the end of what the Christian life looks like, but merely the beginning. I've only glimpsed a preview of His glory, of His designs for my generation, of His heart, and of all that He truly is. Though it is definitely hard to relinquish everything, it is more than worth it. Why would or should we cling to the filthy pebbles of our own desires, goals, dreams, and comfort, when there are infinite riches to be had in knowing the Creator of the Universe Himself, the Almighty King over all, the Savior, the God Who is with us and Who in His utterly mind-boggling design has made a way where there was no way, for us to know Him (for this is eternal life--John 17:3) and to be part of His plans? Why on earth would we settle for less than the intense beauty and incredible adventure of a life spent with and for Him?! 

Recently, God has been breaking me in a deeper way. He has been humbling me, revealing to me just how hard my heart still is, how much I desperately need Him to change me and to give me a heart that beats in accordance with His. He's been showing me how much I myself am in need of revival within my soul. So what is revival? Once upon a time I thought it meant something like these huge events where speakers rent out a sports stadium and present the Gospel, where the unsaved come to believing faith in their Savior. But that's not it, or perhaps I should say that's not the full definition of the word revival, but merely the beginning of it. Revival is much deeper than praying a dictated prayer. It's more than an emotional decision that may or may not stand the next day or week or month or year. Revival is a condition of soul where an individual beholds the awesome holiness of God, and falls to his face before Him. Revival is a yielding up of body, soul, mind, and spirit to the only One who is worthy of such sacrifice. Revival is when the Holy Spirit of the Living God comes in like a fire and burns away everything of self and sin, igniting the soul of the believer like the burning bush to display the Life of God within. 

Earlier I mentioned a song...Here it is. I pray that God brings you to this same place of yearning for revival, not just in our generation and our world, but within your own soul. For there cannot be true revival if God's people do not allow Him to begin with them. 

Revival Song

What will revival mean if You don't bring it in me?

What joy can anything bring if You're not the One I seek?

Lord, break my heart afresh and keep my eyes on You.

I can't do this on my own, and I know I don't want to.

     So, Lord, let there be revival,

     And, please, begin it in me!

     Jesus, take this heart of stone

     And give me one that beats

     And yearns for You alone.

On these days when I slip into the routine of my life,

Return my gaze to You, and be Lord of my life.

I'm done living ordinary. Lord, transform, use me for Your glory!

'Cause this life is not about me. It was made to be lived for You.

     So, Lord, let there be revival,

     And, please, begin it in me!

     Jesus, take this heart of stone

     And give me one that beats

     And yearns for You alone.

  My life is not my own, for I was bought with a price.

  Jesus, take full possession of all my life.

  You are my King. May I daily reckon that as so,

  Not with my mouth only, bu with all my soul. 

  Lord, break my heart for what breaks Yours.

  This life is not worth living if You're not its source!

     So, Lord, let there be revival,

     And, please, begin it in me!

     Jesus, take this heart of stone

     And give me one that beats

     And yearns for You alone.

It is impossible to truly come face-to-face with God and remain unchanged. Will you yield?

Jesus, whatever it takes, draw Your people to Yourself. May we behold Your glory, and fully yield ourselves and our lives to be willing vessels, shining it forth for all to see the Light of the World. The nations shall know that You are the Lord.

Something I Should Have Started Long Ago...

So, there's something I've thought about every once in a while for years, something that'd be interesting to do some Biblical studying on, which I've even wanted to do for quite some time. But I have a bad habit of never getting around to doing things, or if I do start, not finishing. But you see, I have a blog now. One word: ACCOUNTABILITY. =) Yep. And, also, have you ever noticed that discoveries can be a lot more fun when you have someone to share them with? Not that without a blog I'd never share about what I'm learning with anyone, but I'm a writer and therefore I like to write about things.
This is going to be a fun project.

I guess I should let you in on what it is I'm about to begin. I am about to embark on a study of praise and worship. I've already begun to some extent, but now I'm going to hold myself accountable and work on it more steadily. And I'm going to share it with y'all. What do I mean by "a study of praise and worship"? Well, I'm going to look at what the Bible says about them. I've grown up knowing a little about them (though it's not something anyone ever went in-depth with me on to the extent I want to go in-depth), experiencing them, but not entirely knowing even how to define them. You find these verses saying things like, "God is Spirit and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and in truth," and "Present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God, for this is your spiritual act of worship." But other than a brief, occasional comment from someone who had looked into these things a little more, no one really teaches on this stuff in the church today, at least not to my knowledge. Now, if I'm going to do this, I don't want to halfway do it; I don't want to just do a preliminary overview when I have the option (though it will take longer) of digging deep. If I'm going to study, I want to really learn.
Part of what really spurred me on in this and got me to start studying praise and worship a while back was a conversation I had with someone who was of the opinion that praise and worship are two different things. I had never come across this notion, so I wanted to dig deeper and see if that's really what the Bible says. (In case you're wondering, even in my preliminary beginnings of study I quickly found that most of the time either "praise" or "worship" are found in the Bible, they are translated from many of the same Hebrew and Greek words.) I've had enough of people telling me what to believe, and that based not on their own study but what others have told them for years and years (sometimes generations). Let's read the Bible for ourselves, that we may truly know the Truth!
So, I'm about to start a blog series, I guess you'd call it. I'm not saying my blog will turn into only a study (though that certainly wouldn't be a bad thing). I'll very likely still have other posts about other things God is teaching and pressing me in. And, I'm not going to say exactly how regular I'll post about my praise and worship study. Sometimes it may take longer to process stuff and learn about it to the extent that I can share my findings. Sometimes, I may not be able to wait to share something. Also, I know my tendency of, when I have a schedule, feeling like it's a "stick or quit" deal in keeping it.

To start things off, I'd like to share a sort of tie-in to this study that I discovered quite "by accident" (though with God there are no coincidences). In Romans 12:9-21, Paul is describing the marks of a true Christian:

Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, 'Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.' To the contrary, 'if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by doing so you will heap burning coals on his head.' Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. (ESV)

Now get this: in KJV, that phrase "be constant in prayer" is translated "continuing instant in prayer." This is part of why I love KJV, the way it words stuff. Well, when I saw that, I got out my concordance and looked up some words for an even deeper meaning. First off, you've got the word continuing, which gives the idea of perseverance and pressing on. But what is translated continuing instant (or, in ESV, be constant) is actually one word in the Greek: proskartereō. The word basically means "to have continual allegiance to, constant diligence in, single-minded alertness to, give yourself wholly to" (that would be my own description based on the definitions found in Strong's Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible and Blue Letter Bible). Cool, right? But here's the tie-in I mentioned earlier: the word translated in both versions as prayer turns out to mean much more than what we tend to define "prayer" as. The word is proseuchē, and it means "to pray (worship) earnestly." Is it just me, or is that pretty awesome? One of the marks (call them symptoms, even)  of a true Christian, something Paul is here commanding us to do, is to continually pray--to constantly be in such communion with God that we are in constant fellowship with Him, being stirred every moment in fighting for His Kingdom to come to this earth and His will to be done, beholding His face and being moved to praise and to worship...our lives truly being poured out at His feet, and joyfully. This is the life we are called to!

So, will you step into an adventure with me--a journey which may very well take a year or more, if I'm going to study every word and mention of praise and worship in the entire Canon--to discover a deeper level of what that calling looks like?

For our King is worthy of all our praise and worship.

Fear Turned to Faith

Sometimes I look at the contrast between my past and my present, and just about laugh at the irony of just how many things I never thought I'd never be faced with, which, sure enough, God has placed me exactly in the center in. One of these things has been the area of health and healing. See, I had all the head-knowledge on this topic. Not only have I read the accounts in the Bible of God healing people, but I have witnessed His miraculous healing in both of my parents bodies growing up. In 2001 (if I'm remembering the date right), my dad fell while doing tree work in the backyard, and broke his back. Long story short, today he walks, runs, and does all the things he used to (except treework where he'd have to be up in the tree--Mom won't let him). My mom had a growth of blood vessels in her liver for years before one day God up and removed it. (Boy, were the doctors puzzled! There was a hole where the growth used to be, but nothing there.) So, with such demonstrations right there in my life growing up, I had without really thinking it assumed I'd never have a problem with faith for healing, because I had the head-knowledge. But my heart didn't know it until God asked me to trust Him personally.
Before I get to the main focus of this blog post, let me backtrack and explain a fear that once haunted me--a fear which I have a feeling has just about taken over in our American culture: cancer. My first encounter with death occurred just months before my dad had his back accident. Earlier that same year, my grandpa died of brain cancer. I remember the shock of losing him. During the visitation and the funeral, I was inwardly in denial. Grandpa couldn't be dead; he just couldn't. But as reality eventually and painfully set in, grief tore at my young heart. As I got older and began to hear more and more in the news and elsewhere about cancer, different types of cancer, so many people dying of cancer...it truly became a fear of mine. Not that I was particularly afraid I would get it someday, but in my mind cancer became this great, terrible force with the power to rip away loved ones, putting people through slow and painful decline before mercilessly finishing them off. And, try as they might, doctors have yet to find a cure.

Well, today I stand before you in a much different state of mind. God, through ways only He could accomplish, has brought me to a place where I not only am being built in true faith in the arena of healing, but get this: I no longer fear cancer. The word (which, oddly enough, means "crab") that once brought to my mind a sort of image of an insurmountable foe, now instead stirs anger within my soul. Why? Well, there's more than one reason for it. Mainly, it's an inward growl and groan for my God to gain the glory due His Name, in every area. In America especially, we have turned to medicine, to science, to pills...ultimately, to man, for the cure. Rather than turning to the One who created these bodies and knows absolutely every detail about them and how they work and how they were created to function--we look to human beings and their finite understanding, knowledge, and ability. We pour millions of dollars every year into research to try to "find the cure," when the Cure is Himself standing in plain sight right before us (and in many of us, within our own souls!). People hear the word cancer and cower in fear--and I was once counted among them. But I have beheld the One who is far mightier than cancer.
I don't remember when it was I first realized this, but cancer also has a surprising similarity to sin in our lives. Cancer kills from the inside out; it starts with a few cells that are somehow mutated, warped from the way they were designed to function, which then begin to multiply much faster than they are supposed to. Ever noticed that when you allow a "little" sin to remain in your life, it soon multiplies and begins to take over? Here's another similarity: ever felt like the sin in your life was too big to be overcome, too mighty to resist, that you were just doomed to be drug further and further toward inward death by it? Seeing any resemblance between that and what I was just describing about our fear of cancer?
But just as the Blood of Jesus is mightier than sin, it is mightier than cancer. He died on that cross to purchase much more than forgiveness...He won! He didn't just go after sin and death--He defeated them! My position on health and healing is not merely the result of seeing miraculous healing in my parents, or even in my own life when He healed a recurring injury in my foot; it is not based mainly on any of that, but upon the Word, Name, and nature of my God. Show me one verse in the Bible that gives any reason to doubt God is able to heal. Show me one verse that even hints at the idea that it is not His will to heal people. Show me something in the Bible that says healing was only something He did in Bible times. Yes, there are some things that only took place in Bible times, things like having to offer sacrifices as sin offerings, etcetera. But the specific names God gives Himself are descriptive of His nature--and that does not change, ever. Know what one of those names is?

Jehovah Rapha: "the God who heals"

This is our God. He has declared Himself Healer. Will we doubt Him? Or we stand up and believe He is who He says He is, will we take a stand against cancer by looking to the True Cure? I don't care how bleak the situation; my God delights to do the impossible, for when He does there can be no doubt as to where credit is due.

Part of what spurred this post into being is the fact that a dear friend of mine is currently suffering from cancer. It has spread all over, and the doctors have given up. Tonight, I heard she is struggling and in near-desperation, asking God to heal her soon, or else take her soon, because she doesn't want to go through this anymore. Had I been in this situation even a year ago, I would likely have been praying in questions, wondering whether it was God's will to heal her or to take her home. But I know her time has not yet come, and I know my God intends to heal her. This ain't head knowledge. This is the faith that has been forged sitting in the presence of my King and seeking His heart. It is the growl that has risen in my soul for Him to get every ounce of the glory due His Name. The doctors may have given up, but God hasn't. The natural may be screaming it's impossible, but for Jehovah Rapha, it's far from it. God has claimed victory in this situation, and I for one am determined to stand and fight alongside Him until that promise becomes reality in my friend's life. Her name is Anita. Will you pray with me for God's great might to be demonstrated in her life as He triumphs over this cancer and brings her body into alignment with the pattern He set for it? And, on a larger scale, will you fight against the fear of cancer that has such a strangle-hold on our culture?

"What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?" 

 -Romans 8:31

Love that Goes Deeper

Today I went to the Central Library downtown, and on the way there and the way back, as I drove through the neighborhood the library's in (not the worst neighborhood in town, but also not the best), I felt my heart constrict with...love. Call me crazy, but I love Memphis. While many people my age have grown up with the "I can't wait to get out of this city" mentality, I've grown up loving Memphis, despite her high crime rates, despite her gang and drug problems, despite her crazy (and sometimes drunk) drivers, despite her heat and humidity in summer, despite her continuing issues with racism...despite everything that caused her to be rated (by residents) in the top bracket of "Most Miserable Cities to Live In," and more. My city is broken. Many would term her "unlovable."

As the years have gone by, I have begun to realize more and more that my love for my hometown isn't really mine. It's not at all characteristic to human nature to love (not just tolerate or occasionally feel sympathy for, but love) someone or someones who have done nothing to earn that love, and especially not someone (or, in this case, a city as a whole) with such a long list (the above one only scratches the surface of Memphis' issues) testifying more to inspiring hate and frustration than fondness. But there is another kind of love--and really, "human love" falls so short of the real thing that it might as well have a different word to describe it--love that is so powerful it reaches out to even the unlovable.
God loved us before we even knew what true love looked like. Before we were capable of loving Him, He sent His only Son to die for us, and demonstrated a love that went beyond our wretchedness and depravity.

When I was little, I remember when I got my first real Bible (well, if you can call it that...it was still pretty dumbed-down in its wording). In the front, it had a section of "About Me" stuff to fill in, things like my name and age, my favorite subject or teacher, etcetera. Under one of these categories, it had a place to list some things about my parents and grandparents. There was a blank line beside each of these for me to write in why I love them. I sat there and thought for a minute, and then I put my pencil tip on the page and wrote, "because he/she loves me," next to every one of them. It's one of those memories that has stuck with me, and years after the fact God brought it up to illustrate a deeper truth: "'For if you love them which love you, what thanks do you have? For sinners do the same'" (Luke 6:32); and "Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us, and sent His Son to be the propitiation [atoning sacrifice] for our sins" (1 John 4:10).

That's the kind of love I have for my city--my King's love. Just as He loved us first and died for us so that we could have eternal life in Him, so that we could be rescued from our sin, I love Memphis, and I want to see her redeemed and set free. I want to see the Truth shine forth in this city, see those captive to sin and addictions (to drugs, alcohol, sex, popularity, or what-have-you) set free, see the empty and desperate filled with the only Love that satisfies...see the Kingdom of God come to Memphis and kick out every stronghold of evil that has planted itself in this city.

 My God is capable of all this, and I know it is no coincidence that He has placed this desire in my heart--for truly it is only Him and not at all me who could come up with such a notion. Therefore, I will not back down; I will not shrink back in fear, for my God is stronger than any that dare oppose Him. God has been (and still is) preparing me to bring me to the place of being willing to spend myself to the utmost for His Kingdom, His praise, His glory, specifically where He has called me: Memphis. I've grown up here: I know the struggles my city is captive to; I know the strongholds that exist; I know the dangers that inevitably await anyone who dares step forward and shine a light in its darkness. I know the brokenness of a generation growing up with hopelessness, seeking desperately to find worth and meaning in anything within its grasp, but not knowing the only True Source of all worth and meaning. His heart yearns for them to know Him, and therefore my heart yearns for them to know Him.

For is not the Lamb worthy to receive the full reward of His sufferings, and the Lord of All the glory that is due His Name?

Why Prayer

Why prayer? Why does God work through the prayers of His people? Why doesn't He just do what He desires to do?

Because He wants to accomplish it in and through and with US!

Stop and think about this for a minute...If God just did all He means to do in this earth, without having His people pray and believe for it, would He get the credit? Would the praise and glory He deserves ever be given to Him?
Clarification: God is not a man. As human beings, we are meant to live not for the glory of ourselves, but of God. We were created for His praise and glory (see Isaiah 43:7, 21). God, however, is God. He is the central theme of the universe and everything within it. It all revolves around Him. When you were little, did you ever have a parent, teacher, or some other adult in your life have to remind you that "The world (or the universe) does not revolve around you"? Guess what? It revolves around God! It is all about Him.

So, back to what I was saying--think about it. If God did everything without us...well, it would be completely contrary to the way He works. But why? Because He gets glory when His people know it is Him doing it. When it is God who leads someone to pray according to what He intends to do, He gets glory. He gets glory because that person then has to trust Him to accomplish what He has promised. He gets glory because then even when everything and everyone around that person seems to say it's not going to happen, that person is driven to his knees to ask God, not whether or not He is really going to do it, but instead for the faith to trust Him more, to believe He is who He says He is and that He will do what He has said He will do.
God has an agenda. He has a plan and a vision for this world and for all of us in it. Hearts will not be changed unless they behold the Living God, and our God's design is that He works in and through His people--His Body.

He wants us to be part of it.

Did you hear that? Okay, you're reading, but did that sentence sink into your soul? This is the God of the universe, the Almighty King of Kings, the One who is bigger and greater and more magnificent than we can even comprehend. And He desires to allow us to be a part of what He is doing in this earth. Are we in any way worthy of such an honor? Not in the slightest. But He still not only allows it, but desires it.

We were created to know our Creator, to live in a relationship that goes beyond words' ability to describe in its depth and intimacy. And we were created to be indwelt by Him, by His very Spirit, to be so thoroughly one with Him that there is not a part of our lives that can be separated from Him and who we are in Him. In Him we are--we exist--to live and move and have our being (Acts 17:28). In and through us, He is to lvie and move and have His way. When we give our lives to Him who gave His life for us, and allow Him to overtake our very beings (we were made for this!), it sets the stage for the greatest mystery this world has ever known to unfold before our very eyes.

And that is why God works through prayer. It's not that He doesn't already know what He has promised. It's not that we can tell Him what to do. Instead, it's so that we may know what His will is (which comes by getting to know Him in the first place), and may see Him do it. It is so that we may behold the marvelous way in which our God chooses to work, that we may be part of the grand adventure of seeing His Kingdom come to this earth as it is in Heaven.

May God Most High receive the glory due His Name in and through His people, whom He has purchased with His own blood! And may we yeild ourselves to be so consumed with His heart and so pursuant of His glory that we willingly offer our lives before the One who is worthy, that all the world may behold that our God is Lord of all!

The Gospel

So, there's this one thought that's been running through my head quite often over the last week or so: "You can't have too much of the Gospel in your day." It's funny, but that same thought (and the fact I have been thinking it) has also reminded me of how many times growing up I heard people say how important it is to always remember the Cross in our daily life, to think on it, to keep it central in our focus. And, I didn't get it. For many years, thinking about the Cross and Jesus' sacrifice was a painful and sorrowful thing--not that it's not still. But as God has opened my eyes and made real to me in the past several years what His death truly meant and what it purchased and made possible, the Cross has likewise taken on a new relevance to me.

Jesus did not die for nothing; He gave His life to destroy the barrier of sin that stood between man and God--for a holy God cannot tolerate the presence of sin; light and darkness cannot coinhabit any place. What we as Christians often emphasize here is the fact He purchased forgiveness, which is a valid point, for without forgiveness we would still be separated from God. But how often do we stop there? How often do we focus so much on the fact we are forgiven, that we fail to look beyond that point and realize that Jesus did not just make a way for us to be able to come to Him--He also made a way for Himself to come to us, to dwell inside us. The Cross purchased more than forgiveness: it purchased eternal life...and that life starts now. We do not have to wait till we're dead to see sin defeated and erased from our lives: sanctification starts now. Will we be perfect this side of heaven? No. But is that a reason to settle for remaining as we are, when our lives could be infinitely better? Eternal life is the Life of the One who is eternal. For us to have eternal life, we must have Christ, for there is no life apart from Him.

All that to say, there is now a short film produced by some very dear friends of mine, which enunciates the message of the Gospel in a way that is hard to describe. (You'll just have to watch it for yourself!) Does this video portray every last detail, every inch and intricate truth of the Gospel? No--that discovery is the adventure of a lifetime and must be unlocked step by step by the Holy Spirit. However, this video is a powerful, straightforward enunciation of the Gospel, and in a fuller measure than we often encounter preached in the modern American church. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has had His hand on this from the very beginning and even before, leading the speaker (Eric Ludy), the composer (Steve Rosen), and the director (Josh Kinabrew)--all of whom I know personally and can vouch for both their sincerity and surrender to the Lord--every step of the way. It has been saturated in prayer from beginning to end (and beyond), forged in the furnace of surrender, and inspired in the secret place of communion with the Most High.

He has done, is doing, and will continue to do great and mighty things through this film. And so, without further ado, I urge you to take eleven minutes of your time and sit down to watch it! Just click on the link below. =)

The Gospel

For the King and His glory,
Kala

Pet Rocks and the Call to Let Go

Pebbles

Pebble number one is labeled "My Pride."

It's the one that likes to pretend that it's a priceless gem,

But really it's nothing more than a pebble,

Covered in sand.

And pebble number two is all I planned to do.

I worked hard on that one, 

Weighing all the pros and cons, the ends and the means.

Yet still it seems, it's just a pebble.

But my King said,

"Give me your pebbles. Empty your hands.

Then watch Me fill them with My priceless gems.

Let go of your pebbles and behold,

In Me are riches untold.

If you will let go of all that you have known,

I will fill you with more than you can hold.

So let go."

Pebble number three is what I like to do, the things I enjoy.

And pebble number four can talk.

It's always asking, "What will everyone think?"

All these pebbles and more, I've clutched in my hands

For so long.

But my King said,

"Give me your pebbles. Empty your hands.

Then watch Me fill them with My priceless gems.

Let go of your pebbles and behold,

In Me are riches untold.

If you will let go of all that you have known,

I will fill you with more than you can hold.

So let go."

All this time I've held these pebbles, and treated them as gold.

I couldn't understand why He would ask me to let go.

But then one day I finally beheld the One Who is more precious still.

And in His light, at last I could see 

That my treasures were but pebbles, and that He was worth far more.

He asked me to let go, and at last I could obey.

I cast all my pebbles at His feet, and there they shall remain.

It's a mystery, this Grace, that takes our worthless pebbles 

And instead gives us priceless jewels.

For my King said,

"Give me your pebbles. Empty your hands.

Then watch Me fill them with My priceless gems.

Let go of your pebbles and behold,

In Me are riches untold.

If you will let go of all that you have known,

I will fill you with more than you can hold.

So let go."

[By the way, I can't take credit for the pebbles-and-jewels concept--I got it from someone else, and I'm not sure now exactly where it traces back to.] 

This song is a sort of allegory of something very real I've experienced somewhat gradually in the past year or so, but at the same time I can look back and pinpoint one day in particular where this exchange took place. See, for most of my life I've had the head-knowledge that Jesus is worth more than all else, and that He is worthy of all we have to give--all we are--and more. But sometimes it sort of seems like--as with other areas of head-knowledge--to an extent, this incredible truth was kept back in some dusty, far corner of my brain and only consulted (to be brutally honest) in order to judge another's actions. (In case you're wondering, yes, my pride [a.k.a. "pebble #1"] is now smarting quite a bit after that remark.) And at the same time, for so many years, I thought I had this concept down, and believed I had truly surrendered myself completely unto God. 

That is, until the day God asked me for everything.

The memory is vivid for me, and yet it is extremely hard to put into words. It could be partially because my memory tends to work more in snapshots and scenes than videos, if that makes any sense. But another part of why it is so hard to articulate is simply that, frankly, encounters with the Creator of the universe tend to just be extremely hard to put into mere words. Nonetheless, I will try to relay to you as best I can what took place that summer morning in Colorado.

It was Wednesday, June 16, 2010--a day that has special significance to anyone who was at Ellerslie during that day and the ones that followed soon after it.

 But before I share about that day in particular, let me backtrack to something I just came across in my journal when I was looking for details to help me try to express what happened on the 16th. I had forgotten about this, which is part of why it's so handy to keep a journal sometimes (though I'm not always the best at it). On Tuesday, June 15th, I recorded in my journal a prayer asking God to change something that had once been true of my life. In a way, I asked that my life would no longer be marked by milestones--that I would no longer look back upon single nights and specific experiences where I had seen God anew, but instead that my life would be spent looking forward. Not that I wanted to forget those special times, but as I wrote that day, "God, don't let them be punctuation marks in my life anymore. Let it be an everyday experience to see You in a new light, to draw dramatically closer to Your heart, to have a new revelation of all that You are and all that You have purposed. It will never grow old. Let me not live off old experiences, but be ever-presently listening for Your voice and seeking and finding You; at the same time, let me always remember all You have done, not only to bolster my faith, but to be ever thankful for all You have done, are doing, and will do in me and in this world." In wrapping up the same journal entry, I asked expectantly that God would press us all deeper into His heart, saying, "Be our hearts' desire from this day forth, God, and help us never waver, never hesitate, to pursue Your heart and will with everything that is within us." And it's interesting to look back on that now, because it was the very next day that God would test me on how willing I was to allow Him to make such things a reality in my life.

Now, for June 16, 2010...
Since it was a Wednesday, by 5:30 a.m. I was up and waiting on the semicircular slab of concrete, ready for one of Ellerslie's thrice-weekly morning prayer times to start up. (These prayer sessions were optional, but God had been pretty clear with me that He wanted me to be there.) I don't remember specifically what took place that particular morning, other than a general impression in which I felt a predominant burden and pressure in my soul. I remember, when Eric dismissed us, having the distinct and unavoidable knowledge that I needed to find somewhere to be alone with God. It was time for a heart-to-heart unlike any I had ever experienced before.
That morning, as I found a secluded spot on campus where I felt hidden away from all eyes but God's, it was as if my King were standing right before me, His gaze penetrating but at the same time filled with limitless compassion. It was time. A decision I thought had been made long ago was laid before me afresh, and I was aware as if for the first time of its full weight.

He was asking me to surrender.

Here is why I had thought this issue had been settled long before: for the previous four or five years of my life up to that point, God had set before me specific scenarios on various occasions and asked me to choose which I would follow--my desire, or His. True, sometimes I had resisted, but it always came to the point where I could resist no longer, and I would submit.

That morning, as the King stood before me and asked me to lay down everything at His feet--to truly surrender every area of my life to Him--there was a desperate battle being waged within my soul. At the time, it was harder to distinguish exactly what was going on, but in hindsight it is much easier to identify the opposing forces. Part of me, that part in which the Spirit of God was working, was desperately pleading for God to take me deeper and to show me what it truly means to let go of all else and cling to Him only. And yet, something was struggling against this desire, fighting against it with such force that to a large extent I felt incapable of doing what my King was asking. I felt as though there were a paper-thin barrier between me and God, between me and what God wanted to do in me--and yet, even though the barrier was so thin, I lacked the strength and the ability to break through. So, I went to my knees and pleaded earnestly for my God to come through on my behalf and to destroy this barrier.

That day was a day of anguish for me, for as the morning went on I could not shake the urgency within my soul. Something had to be made right within me, this barrier of parchment had to be removed, and though I lacked the power, I knew my God was strong enough. So I continued to plead for Him to pull me through, and in the process, the burden became not so much a desperate need for myself, but a desperate need to have the strength to extend to my brothers and sisters--to be made right so that I would be in a position to be able to help pull others through. (If you are reading this now and were one of the ones present at Ellerslie during the days that followed, you know exactly what God was leading up to then.)

At several times throughout that day, I found myself doing something I rarely, if ever, did. I asked people to pray for me. I explained to them the feeling of this parchment-thin barrier, though at first I didn't know what that barrier was. Then, someone asked me to be more specific, asked if I could identify what it was standing in the way. And suddenly, my vision cleared. The barrier had begun to crack earlier in the day, after the first time I had asked a few people to pray for me, and it was as if light streamed in through the cracks, giving me hope. And in that instant, I knew what the barrier was: my pride. I hadn't realized it at the time, but all along, it had been my selfish pride vying for the throne of my life--though it knew just as well as I did that that throne rightfully belongs to Another. And throughout that day, as I pleaded with God and recognized my own inability to break through, as I humbled myself by admitting to my brothers and sisters that I was not as I should be and needed them to join with me in prayer--slowly but surely, my pride was being attacked again and again, worn down, and cracked.

June 16, 2010 was a day of reckoning for my soul. It was a day of surrender deeper than any I had experienced before. That afternoon, I stood nearly waist-deep in the waters of the Lake at Ellerslie, and stood before my entire class, and, in a spiritual sense, before all the powers of both Heaven and Hell, and declared with a perspective and a confidence I had not known before that my Self and my Pride were truly dead and buried with Christ, that my life was no longer my own, and that it was no longer I who live, but Christ in me. I don't remember my exact phrasing, but that's the gist of it. And as I stood in that water, I knew the barrier was about to fall.

Sure enough, as I came up out of that water, it was gone--vanished.

Now, I'm not saying I have never struggled with my pride since that day. Strangely enough, the pesky thing tends to forget it's dead, crucified with Christ. No, the Christian life is a daily death (1 Corinthians 15:31). It is a daily reckoning with the truth and reminding ourselves Whose we are and Who it is that rules our lives--that our lives are not our own, but have been bought with a price (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). I'm not perfect. But day by day, God is transforming me, sanctifying me, molding me more into His likeness. And let me assure you, I have never once regretted the decision I made afresh that day. Just as the song says, in exchange for the worthless pebbles I had been clinging to for so long, my King has filled me to overflowing with the priceless treasures that stem directly from knowing Him: unfailing love, true compassion, conquering peace, unending joy...the list goes on and on.

So, that is my exceptionally long-winded explanation on the story behind the song... =) I hope it challenges you to look down at your own hands and see if there is anything you are holding onto even as your King asks you to let go. He does not ask out of greed or selfishness, for why would He want your worthless pebbles when He has riches in abundance and to spare? No, He asks for that which is rightfully His in the first place, for those who have called themselves by His Name to reckon it as so and to truly surrender themselves to His call, to follow Him with reckless abandon.

This is the choice that is left to us, to

"Choose ye this day whom ye shall serve..."

-Joshua 24:15

The Marriage We Were Made For

"Mawwaige. Mawwaige is what bwings us togedder today..."

Okay, no, this really has nothing to do with The Princess Bride. But today a visiting pastor at my church gave a message about marriage, and it got me thinking about something I'll let you in on in just a minute. The pastor's sermon was geared toward the kind of marriage you'd typically think of right off the bat when hearing the word: the kind involving rings and a formal ceremony, leading to a family, etc. But he made a comment early on in his preaching that sent my mind down a completely different track. Don't get me wrong, I still paid attention to the rest of the sermon, but here's what I was thinking about in the back of my mind and afterward. The comment I'm referring to was that, for the vast majority, marriage is inevitable. The pastor did make mention that there are some called to lifelong singleness (celibacy), but the main thrust of his message was, as I've already said, about marriage. So here's the "rabbit trail" of sorts my mind went off on:

I'm not married, but I'm married. Confusing enough? Okay, let me explain... No, I have no wedding ring; I'm not married in that sense. But at the same time, in a spiritual sense, I am married. I am in a covenant relationship with Jesus Christ, and am part of the Bride of Christ--His Church (see Ephesians). Even as I wrote that sentence, I was struck by the fact that my relationship with Jesus is more than just a marriage, but for now I'll stick to the topic I started with.
There's a reason the Bible refers to the Church as the Bride of Christ, and to Christ as our Bridegroom. Marriage itself is meant to be a picture of Jesus' relationship with His Church. I could go on for pages to try to explain that, and I'll likely get more in-depth with it in future posts, but as for short, sweet, and to the point--this is the marriage we are all called to, and the most important marriage of all. This is the relationship that affects all others. And this is the only relationship which can truly fulfill us and make our lives truly count.

Pledge of Allegiance

      After my first semester at Ellerslie this summer, I was back home for a few weeks and one Sunday was visiting a church with some friends. During communion, I realized I had a clearer understanding than I'd ever had before of what communion truly represents. While I was at Ellerslie, I encountered a fuller definition of the covenant of communion than I had ever known before. It was no longer just a symbol and reminder of what Jesus did on the cross, but now I understood it as a declaration of not only that, but also of all that He has done, and of a covenant exchange--a pledge of allegiance, of sorts--in which I give my life to Him just as He gave His for me. That day during communion, a song began to form in my head, and I jotted down the lyrics that sprung into my mind. It was only after returning to Ellerslie for EALT (Ellerslie Advanced Leadership Training) that I had time and opportunity to work on finishing the song, partially because I had left my guitar there in case I'd had to fly back. These are the lyrics of the song that came forth:

Pledge of Allegiance

          Your body was torn,

          Your blood was shed

          For the sake of this covenant.

          Now I offer myself to You.

               This is my pledge of allegiance.

               This is my vow of surrender.

               My body and my blood are Yours,

               Ready to be spent to further Your cause.

          The power of sin

          You destroyed

          On that cross.

          And with You, I rose from the grave.

               This is my pledge of allegiance.

               This is my vow of surrender.

               My body and my blood are Yours,

               Ready to be spent to further Your cause.

            As You gave Your life for me,

            Now I give mine for You.

            As You shed Your blood for me,

            I offer mine to be shed for You.

            As Your body was torn for me,

            I surrender mine to whatever may come.

            The exchange is far from fair--

            For Your life is worth far more than mine.

            Still here I am, my King.

            Take all of me.

               'Cause this is my pledge of allegiance.

               This is my vow of surrender.

               My body and my blood are Yours,

               Ready to be spent to further Your cause.

               Yes, this is my pledge of allegiance.

               This is my vow of surrender.

               My body and my blood are Yours,

               Ready to be spent to further Your cause.

     In the several months that it has been now since I wrote this song, it has only become more and more the cry of my heart, as God has continued to take me to greater depths of surrender and readiness to follow Him wherever He leads, no matter the cost--for there exists no cost high enough that Christ is not still more than worth paying it.

With a King so great and majestic, so holy, and so worthy, where else could my allegiance lie?