Well, it's happening again: My plans for my life are on hold, and I'm venturing into a season of having no clue what's about to happen, but knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that it's going to be awesome beyond anything I can imagine. I know this feeling. And, call me crazy if you like (don't worry, I'm not offended in the slightest!)--but I actually like this feeling. It's stepping out into the unknown, with no clear-cut plan or perfect outline to be able to articulate to the concerned adults in my life who will ask me what's next. It's when following Christ makes me feel intensely vulnerable in some ways, for there is no easy or put-together answer to give to people to reassure them, because this is where the rubber meets the road. This is where the decisions and actions of my life match up with my beliefs, with my faith that my God knows better than I do, and that He has plans that go beyond my own--that He knows best.
Between three and four years ago, I gave up my plans to go straight to college after high school because I felt God was leading me to attend Ellerslie for what I thought would be a year. Partway through my time there, He changed my plans again and told me I was to return home sooner than I expected--after only the Summer and Fall semesters at Ellerslie, instead of continuing into the Spring. About six months later, He took me to a Christian college in Mississippi, which was (again) not what I had exactly planned or expected beforehand. (During high school, I'd had my eyes set on a different Christian college, and then during my year out of school had also considered going to a state school). While there, in the middle of my second of what I assumed would be four years at MC, He began to speak once again about a change of my plans, and brought me back to my hometown, Memphis, two years sooner than I was expecting. Moral of the story: I should really stop assuming things! Every time I've thought I've known what the next few steps would look like, He's shaken things up--from going to Ellerslie to becoming a Resident Assistant this past year at college. And let's face it--His plans have always far surpassed and outshone my own. Even though every change has brought with it a degree of difficulty, the joy I've found in being in the center of His will and following His leading has been far beyond anything my old dreams could have brought me.
So what's this new, crazy step? Well, you see, when God began pointing me towards Memphis this past school year, I assumed (see, there it is again!) that I would pick up college "on-schedule" here at a state university less than half an hour from my parents' house. In case you haven't caught onto the theme of these past few years of my life I just summarized...let me just tell you, He's doing it again! God is taking my plans and my assumptions, and shoving them aside to make room for His plans. I'm not going back to college this Fall. Not that I'm not ever going back, but for now God's telling me to take this semester and spend it in a different way. And just as three years ago when I was headed to Ellerslie, I couldn't give any definite "Here's what's going to happen and what it'll look like"--once again I find myself left without a simple, straightforward answer to people's questions, other than this:
He has spoken to me in ways I cannot deny, and I am following even though I can't see the full path or exactly where it will lead. He's got a plan, and I trust Him. His leading is sure, and He has never once failed me or led me into circumstances He can't handle. So, here I go!
Will I look crazy to most? Probably. Will this come across as me being lazy or irresponsible in getting that all-important education this world tells me I will need in order to "succeed" in this life? Most likely. Will I seem reckless and misled, even to many Christians? It's possible.
But you know what? I'm still smiling. And it's not quite the insecure, nervous smile the eighteen-year-old me wore when I was fixing to leave for Ellerslie. It's the confident-in-my-God, helpless-to-avoid smile of readiness and expectancy that is hard to repress as it flows from the intense joy of abandoning my plans, my way, my ability to see or know what comes next. Because He is faithful, and I trust Him.
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