Leaving Memphis...Again

In a few short hours, I will be on the road, saying goodbye to the city I love and feel so called to as I follow God's calling elsewhere for a time. It's not the first time. The first time was a little over two years ago, when I left my family, friends, hometown--pretty much everything I'd known and was used to--in order to attend a discipleship training school called Ellerslie all the way in Colorado.

I remember crossing the Memphis Bridge and feeling torn between the place I was leaving behind and what God had in store at the place I was heading to. It wasn't just the city--it was also having to leave behind my family, friends that were so close they almost might as well be family, and all the people I knew and had grown up with here--but deep down, there was a painful awareness that I had to leave Memphis for a time, the city I had grown to love while so many I knew merely tolerated, if not hated, living in.

After I came home from Ellerslie about six months later and spent the subsequent six or so months here in Memphis, I found God calling me to leave once again--this time for college. That transition was rougher than the one from Memphis to Ellerslie, not because the move held more of an unknown (when I left for Ellerslie I had no idea what I was getting into), but somewhat because of the opposite; I knew I was heading into a completely different sort of environment and that even as I was going to college, I was going against the flow of our culture. I knew I wasn't going to college for an education and wasn't called to keep my head low and simply make it through. It was going to be hard, a different kind of hard than I had ever known before. And as we left Memphis, I once again felt torn between my more long-term calling to Memphis and my current call to this college three and a half hours away.

But it was a good kind of torn, even as the extremely similar bittersweet ache I am feeling right now is a good kind of pain. It's the kind of pain that comes with leaving someone--or a group of someones--you have grown to love deeply. This summer, God brought me to some of the front lines in the battle for Memphis. Through living and working with Street Reach this summer, I have gained a better perspective of that battle, as well as getting to know specific people who are also fighting it and other specific people whose souls hang in the balance.

The good news is that I do not have to be here to continue to fight in this battle. Prayer reaches farther, deeper, and faster than any weapon of this world. Still, it is painful to physically leave Memphis. But the One who has called me is faithful, and as always, He has a plan and will not fail to carry it out as He leads me on from here. His has a purpose for taking me back to Mississippi, and He will not fail to use me there or to use this season to draw me yet closer to Him and to prepare me for what lies in store. Just as He perfectly orchestrated the timing of leading me to Street Reach this summer--from preparing me for it even when I had no idea what Street Reach even was, to walking me through every day of it this summer--He has perfectly orchestrated everything about leading me back to MC this school year.

So, as bittersweet as leaving Memphis is going to be, at the same I am excited for what lies ahead. The same God who led me from here before into adventures I never could have dreamed of, who led be back here and walked me through even more, has infinitely greater plans for what is yet to come than I can possibly imagine. It's going to be hard, but at the same time it will be infinitely rich and beautiful because my King will never leave my side nor fail to draw me closer to Himself.

Here goes.

Why Am I Here?

Lately I've been realizing more and more how atypical I am, how ironic my life right now really is. I'm not your typical college student. I didn't come to college to get a high-paying job, to afford a nice house and a fancy car, to have a husband, 1.3 kids, and a dog. I'm not here to find a man. I'm not here to prove myself, academically or otherwise. I'm not here to get away from home and my family. It seems like I'm not here for any of the possible reasons most people go to college. So why am I here?

Honestly, that's something I questioned a lot, particularly during my first month or so here at MC. If you don't believe me, ask the people back home who, when I came home one weekend for a visit a few weeks into school, asked how college was and all I could say was an emphatic, "It's good to be home!" I had to wrestle through this question, because from the start I haven't been here for any of the reasons I just listed. During those first few weeks, I repeatedly found myself asking God, "Am I really supposed to be here? Can I please drop out?" A large part of what made me want to be anywhere but here is just how grieved I was to see the spiritual state of things. I'm at a university that calls itself Christian, but with all the distractions, the complacency, the subtle lies that seem to surround and permeate this campus on so many levels, at first especially it was hard for me to see any signs of life or hope. 

God's been clear with me all along that this is where He's called me. And so with that for me to cling to, He has shown me step by step that there is nothing too daunting for Him, that He is greater and stronger than everything that tries to pull the people on this campus away from Him. Through reminding me of who He is and what He wills to do, God has given me joy and faith and the grace to persevere here. 

So you might be wondering at this point why I am here. Well, in some ways I have answers to that, and in some ways I don't. Ultimately, I'm here for God's glory. Whether that means being here to be a real friend to some of the people He's put me in contact with and to live out my faith before them, or to seize hidden opportunities to serve and bless people even if they'll never know who did it, or to give a much-needed hug to one of the cleaning staff...I cannot imagine or list all the ways God can possibly use me, even in the little things, here. 

But why am I at college, earning a degree? Well, here's where you're about to see just how atypical a college student I am. =)

I'm at college to hone some skills and to earn a degree which will hopefully help me get a job editing (though I may easily wind up working for minimum wage at a gym or a fast-food chain instead), to make end's meat and go live in the "hood," to take the Gospel to those who need it and know they need it and to live among them daily as a witness of God's grace, to take on the principalities and spiritual powers that have claimed their turf in the heart of my city, and to watch my God fight for us and prove to everyone Who is the Lord Most High. I fully expect to die with a bullet in my head one day, or something similar. And, call me crazy, but what better way to go than to die standing and fighting for my God to be known by those whom Satan will fight tooth-and-nail to see destroyed?

So that's why I'm here, and it all starts now. On my own, I am completely incapable of any of this. But greater is He who is in me than he that is in this world, and I will live and die to prove that. 

Daily, may I live and die to prove that. Daily, may I lay down my rights, my desires, my way, and watch You fill me with the fullness of all You are, King Jesus. You are the Way. You are the Truth. You are the Life. You are Love. You are Lord of all, so be Lord of all I am. Have Your way.