When Writing Becomes an Act of Worship

Two and a half years ago, God asked me to give up something. At the time, I wasn't sure if He meant put it on hold for a while, or actually give it up forever. All I knew was that He was asking me to trust Him and to entrust what had become one of the defining aspects of my life into His hands. This exchange took place early on in the summer of 2010, during my time at Ellerslie LeadershipTraining. I had come to Ellerslie with as clear of an idea for what my future held as I'd had up to that point, with several specific things God had highlighted that I felt He was calling me in. Among those things was writing. And it was special to me. 

See, a few years before that was when, through one comment from my Dad, I first began to realize I had any talent for writing at all. During the remainder of my time in high school, I began to branch out and write more than just school assignments and journal entries. I embarked on writing stories, and about a year before Ellerslie came around, I had written the first draft of a book meant to call my generation to rise up and live out what we say we believe. I felt strongly that God had led me to write it, and reasoned that therefore I was supposed to pursue self-publishing it once I had opportunity, which wasn't likely to happen before my time at Ellerslie was over. In addition to this completed draft, I had several stories in-progress I had been working on.

But then, when I least expected it, God asked me to give it all up. He wanted my gaze on Him, and though at the time I could not understand why He was asking this of me, I knew I needed to trust Him. The summer of 2020 was life-changing for me in more ways than I can probably come close to describing, but in the area of writing it was also pivotal. What I could not see then, when a large part of my identity was wrapped up in "what I could do for God," was that surrender was to be the avenue to something greater than I'd ever dreamed. God was drawing me to a life of worship--of adoration and communion with Him, not just part-time, but constantly. 

Surrender is not a one-time event. It means a constant, repeated act of choosing to yield to another's will. The beauty of true surrender to Christ lies in its continuation and the way God uses it for His glory. 

For me, I went through a season that summer where I literally could not write. It wasn't that I felt I shouldn't; it was that I tried over and over again, and found my attempts clumsy and inadequate. Part of it was that I was encountering things I had no words for, no way to adequately describe. In fact, that was probably a larger part of it than I realized at the time. But the reality, for me, was that for a time my ability was stripped away from me. And during that time, rather than collapsing into hopelessness, I found myself further enraptured by my God, by who He is and what He was doing in and through and around me, and lost sight of me and my own abilities. I became more satisfied in Christ than I had ever been before, and found that He truly was enough, even if everything else in my life was taken away. 

Toward the end of the summer, God surprised me by giving it back. We had an "assignment" of sorts, to write or compose something, some sort of remembrance, of what we had seen God doing during our eleven weeks of Basic Training. And as I sorted through the many things that had taken place in my own soul and those around me during that ridiculously short amount of time (for it seemed like so much longer, considering all that happened), inspiration struck. I found myself writing in a way I never had before, not just with the way I was trying to use an analogy to describe something, but with the sense of worship that accompanied it.

I had prayed during the writing process of that first-draft book I finished the year before, but by now something had changed within my soul. It wasn't just that I enjoyed writing more now that I had walked through a season without it. Something had changed, and suddenly writing became an act of worship. 

Two and a half years later, I am still in the process of discovering what it means for writing to be a form of worship. See, worship isn't just singing songs on a Sunday morning. It's more than a feeling that fades with the situation. Worship is a spiritual posture of surrender and trust and reliance and sweet fellowship with the God who created us to know Him. And it's meant to characterize every aspect of our day-to-day lives. If those in heaven are constantly worshiping the Lord (see Revelation 4:8-11), then "on earth as it is in heaven" (Matthew 6:10) looks the same, doesn't it? "For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be glory forever. Amen. I appeal to you, therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship" (Rom. 11:36-12:1). It's the beautiful, indescribable, joyous surrender and communion with our Creator that we were designed for. 

And recently, quite possibly more than ever before in my life, I have been experiencing times spent writing that are indeed simultaneously times of worship. I'm no longer writing for myself, out of simply a desire to create a story. It's not about trying to write something that will merely entertain people anymore. During a recent car ride on the way home from visiting relatives up North, I typed out just under two-and-a-half pages (which may just turn into a later blog post) about how I now perceive writing and why I write. 

But in the end, it's not about the writing or even what it produces. It's not even about the impact or effect it could have on others. Ultimately, it's about the worship, because that is what I was created for. Not stringing groups of words together on paper so that they make sense or prove some point. Not eloquence or lack thereof. Worship. 

Because we were created to live and thrive in a constant state of worship, of prayer, of communion with God. So "worship" may look different at different times. One moment, it may be singing to the Lord, and the next, it may look like loving the person next to you the way that God loves them. Sometimes it looks like picking up trash, and sometimes it looks like having a conversation with a close friend or a complete stranger. Sometimes it looks like getting alone with God, and sometimes it looks like sharing the Gospel. Sometimes it means painful sacrifice, and sometimes it means crying tears of astonishment when you see what God is doing or has done. Sometimes it looks like being completely still and silent and reflecting on God, or waiting on Him, listening. Simply put, worship means living in the center of God's will, every moment. Seeking Him, seeing Him, knowing Him more with each passing day. Sometimes, it even looks like sleeping--peacefully resting in His promises while you lose consciousness for a time...

And sometimes, it looks like writing.

. . .

Restless

Many times in my life, I have been restless. The reasons for restlessness have varied, but it's definitely been a recurring theme in my life. Sometimes, it's been a literal lack of rest--when I am not choosing moment-by-moment to trust in the Lord and His ability to work all things together according to His purposes, which are always far better than my own pitiful plans. Other times, however, I have experienced the type of restlessness that is more characterized by an earnest desire to see righteousness lived out, in my own life and the lives of others. And sometimes, it's sort of a combination of the two, when I want to see God's will happen, but fail to rest in His ability to accomplish it. 

There is, however, a certain restlessness we're called to as followers of Christ. It's the restlessness that cries out for God's Kingdom to come to this earth as it is in heaven, just as Jesus did (Matthew 6:10); the restlessness that relies on Him while yearning for Him to deliver and to have His way (Psalm 70:5), that shouts "Rak Khazak!" to others as it faces the seemingly-impossible, knowing that the Lord will overcome (2 Chronicles 32:7-8; Romans 8:31-39). It's the restlessness that causes us to forsake the temporary comforts this world offers us, and to plunge recklessly ahead into pursuing the fullness of the life Christ has given us--the eternal life which is defined as this: knowing Him (John 17:3; Psalm 16:11)...to count everything else as a loss compared with the greatness of knowing Him...to go all-out and be willing to sacrifice everything for the sake of following where He leads, trusting Him with everything He's given us. 

And so, today finds me restless. Restless in the desire to know Him more, restless to some extent in wanting  to move forward in certain things that He has shown me are part of His will for my life in the future, but also restless for the faith to trust Him more in everything, to seek His face and know His heart more and more, and to believe He will have His way. Restless for the world around me to see and know that He is God. I am restless to move forward in these things by continuing to entrust them to His perfect timing, for my ideas have never once proven to be better than His. So no matter how long I must wait, I will rest in confidence that the God who has never once failed to work all things together according to His good and glorious purposes will by no means fail to accomplish what He has promised. 

For example part of me wants to move into the Hood...now. In fact, if God were to suddenly tell me to drop out of college and move there, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But He hasn't, and it actually looks like He still has other plans for me in the meantime. And as I said, His plans are always better than mine, for He alone knows all things. So I will continue to trust Him with it all, to lay my life at His feet every day in surrender to His will, to follow where He leads and trust His steadfast faithfulness, knowing that when the time is right He will move things forward and it will all be far better than anything I could dream up or enact myself.

"I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in His word I hope; 

my soul waits for the LORD more than watchmen for the morning,

more than watchmen for the morning.

O Israel, hope in the LORD! For with the LORD there is steadfast love, and with Him is plentiful redemption. 

And He will redeem Israel from all his iniquities."

-Psalm 130:5-8

Watching for the Return of Manhood

We live in the midst of a generation which, for the most part, has no idea what real manhood looks like. Sure, we might catch a glimpse of it every now and then, in some character from a book or a movie--but it's more the stuff of legends, it would seem. Very rarely do we encounter real Men in everyday, normal life. 

In Job chapter 29, Job is reminiscing on his earlier years, and winds up giving us a poignant picture of a godly man. He talks of a life saturated with the presence of God, a man who is respected by all who know him, because he is moved by the God's love to actually do something about injustice around him and to pour his life out on behalf of the weak and the destitute. That's what real manhood looks like. 

And yet in our generation and our culture we're inundated  with examples of "manliness" that fall so short of the real thing. The role models young men have to look up to are rock-stars in skinny jeans with voices that can easily be mistaken as female if the listener is not paying close attention. That, or the football players who work and sweat to be "tough" but at the end of the day go home to cushy homes and wide-screened televisions where they can relax from a long day of training to chase a pigskin from one end of the field to another. Then there's the other side of the spectrum--the brilliant entrepreneurs and businessmen who work hard and eventually become successful millionaires. Okay, so there are better role models out there...like perhaps the scientists and activists who strive to make an impact beyond themselves with their lives, or those who devote their entire lives to a particular field of study with the same intention. 

But where are the men?

Where are the fathers worthy of the title "hero" even when their children have outgrown their phase of being enamored with Batman or Captain America? Where are the men who live out their calling and their faith to such an extent in their day-to-day lives that the Life that dwells inside them is poured out into their wives, their kids, their friends, their neighbors, total strangers, their communities, and this world? Where are the men who can say to those younger than them, "Follow me as I follow Christ" (1 Cor. 11:1)? Where are the men who can look back on their lives like Job did and say "I delivered the poor that cried for help...I put on righteousness, and it clothed me...I was eyes to the blind and feet to the lame" (Job 29:12, 14, 15)? Where are the men of faith and courage who will dare to truly surrender all like this guy did? In our day of esteeming the famous and the popular, we just don't see much of the real stuff that manhood is made of.

But this post is not about inspiring depression and pessimism concerning manhood, but rather, hope. Why? Because I believe God is in the process of raising up men with the characteristics I just mentioned (and others I haven't touched on). I'm about to borrow an illustration from Eric Ludy...

Fossils and other remains have been found of a certain species of deer known as the Irish Elk, which once roamed the earth with a shoulder-height of about 7 feet and a rack of antlers spanning a massive 12 feet. Irish Elk are extinct now, leaving us with only their smaller  relatives for comparison. Elk these days grow to a maximum of about 5 feet tall at the shoulders, with antler racks only about 4 feet wide...

But can you imagine what it would be like if elk suddenly started growing as big as some of their ancestors used to? What if a generation of elk started growing to the magnificent size of their predecessors?...What if a generation of men started growing into the fullness of genuine manhood as portrayed in Job 29 and so many other passages in the Bible, not to mention church history? =) Now maybe you see what I'm getting at with this post. 

The amazing truth is, I've seen a glimpse of this very thing happening here in our generation, in our day and age. I've been blessed to know and come into contact with a fairly significant number of brothers in Christ who have begun to catch the vision God has for manhood and masculinity, and who are following hard after Him and desiring to be made into the men He has created and called them to be. But that's just the start.

Ultimately, when you get to the heart of the matter, any society, culture, or generation is defined by the individuals that compose it. Blanket statements and stereotypes are often utilized to try to convey a broad or generalized view of a large (and often very diverse) group of people. This is why stereotypes don't wind up working on the individual level--nobody fits the mold exactly. Even so, such generalizations can be useful in depicting overall trends or characteristics that the majority of a given group may tend to have in common. So if I were to generalize the current state of manhood in my generation, I would have to say we're faced with some (no offense) fairly depressing stuff...I was about to try to describe and sum up the current state of things, but perhaps it's better if I refrain and leave that to the men to address. 

So why is a girl writing about manliness anyway? What am I, of all people, doing writing this blog post? Well, there are a couple of reasons. The first is that for the past several years, biblical, godly manhood has been something I've felt pressed to pray for God to restore and instill in the men of my generation. In this time, He's brought some specific brothers-in-Christ into my life at various points and directed me to pray for Him to further various things I could see He was starting to do within each of their lives. And along the way, I've become aware of the fact that sometimes it takes a female's perspective to know to pray for certain aspects of manhood. God created us as women with certain longings and sort-of "instincts" in regards to what a man ought to be. Not that we can always go by the desires of our hearts, for it does still ring true that "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked" (Jer. 17:9). However, where our feminine hearts' longings and ideals of what manhood is to look like do line up with the examples found in Scripture, we must do more than just lament and long for those ideals to become the norm. We must pray.

No great movement or change towards ultimate good in all of world history has ever come about without God enacting and enabling it and carrying it through to completion. Apart from Him, without Him, we can do nothing (1 John 15). But when God moves, so do His people. After all, we are His Body. So unless His Body has become disconnected from its Head, which is Christ, it will move in accordance with His will. But in order to do that, we must abide in Him, and remain abiding in Him. 

So let none of us cop out. Men of God, each of you have the unique and individual responsibility before Him to continually seek His face and surrender your life to His will. You have the privilege of coming before the Author of Manhood and Masculinity and asking Him to forge within your soul that which He created you for in the first place, to make His Name great in and through you as He works that which no human being is capable of in your life. Women of God, each of us, likewise, have a unique and individual responsibility to seek the face of our Creator and plead with Him to work in us that which He created us for. May we come before Him and plead to be made into what a woman of God ought to be. May we ask Him to consume us to such an extent that His radiance is the only beauty we care about the world around us seeing. 

Manhood and Womanhood were created to work together and to build upon one another. The rise of true masculinity will help make it easier for true womanhood to blossom and grow in our generation, and likewise the growth of true femininity will help to encourage and strengthen manhood as it ought to be. 

I genuinely believe that God is at work in our generation right now to raise up men and women after His heart and to do a greater work than any of us have either seen or imagined. And I believe that a rise and return of true, biblical manhood is a crucial element of what He intends to do in our lifetime. 

There is a quote from Keith Green's journal that has resonated in my soul ever since I first read it in his biography: "Lord, let there be a revival and let it begin in me!" It has struck me over and over again that praying for revival is empty and pointless if we are not simultaneously asking God to work according to His will in our own individual lives. For one thing, how exciting will it really be for us if the whole rest of the world gets set on fire by God to shine and live for His glory, but we're left out? If I settle for less than the fullness of God's will for my life--If I pick a spot and say, "Alright, I can stay here for the rest of my life and be content,"--I'll be missing out on the much bigger picture of the entirety of God's will. God doesn't stop with the individual. He uses one heart to ignite another, and in the process the flames should grow brighter in both. May we not hold back from asking and seeking after the fullness of what God desires to do--in our generation, yes, but also in every facet of each of our lives. 

Rak Khazak!!

Can You See It?

There are some things God has spoken very clearly about through the years, and other things that He's given me a vision for and just called me to pray for. But it's interesting to note that a common theme seems to be that the things God tends to call me to ask and trust Him for are almost always IMPOSSIBLE in the eyes of the world.

I mean, seriously, think about it: Who looks at Memphis, Tennessee, sees all its violence, crime, addiction, racism, etc., and assumes that it's going to be completely transformed so that it becomes a place where the Church lives out its calling as the Body of Christ? Instead of a bunch of fragmented body parts each trying to do their own thing, to see true fellowship of believers become a common sight. Instead of the "good" people staying away from the "bad" parts of town, to see brave-hearted souls willing to die if necessary to go after the people who are most broken and know it. To see the false walls of assumed-perfection come crashing down, so that people stop pretending they have it all together and realize (and admit!) their need for a Savior. To see what was broken be made beautiful by the redeeming power of Jesus Christ as the Gospel is lived out by His saints.

There have been so many people God has laid on my heart and told me to pray for, and in the process of praying for them He has given me His heart for them and caused me to pray bigger and bolder prayers than I ever would have prayed on my own. Friends, family, cousins, even people I didn't really know. But I've seen breakthroughs with so many of them! And while there are others I'm fighting for who haven't yet come to the point of surrender, I no longer find myself discouraged when I think about them. God has plans for each of them, and I know He is working. He is stronger than every sin and power of the enemy that can ever have a hold on any life. God is bigger.

So, I've just been thinking lately about how much God delights to do the impossible. Go read about Elijah and tell me He doesn't. Or better yet, go read Romans--start at the beginning and just go--listen to Paul as he lays out the "problem" of God's righteousness versus His mercy and love, and how Christ's life, death, and resurrection solved it. Read about the victory purchased for us through the blood of the Lamb, and tell me God is not able to defeat Satan. Think about the Gospel and what God's mission for this earth is, and then try to explain why it's impossible. With man, yes, it's absolutely impossible. But we're not relying on man, are we? I'm not. I believe my God, and I will keep trusting Him to pull off the impossible.

Leaving Memphis...Again

In a few short hours, I will be on the road, saying goodbye to the city I love and feel so called to as I follow God's calling elsewhere for a time. It's not the first time. The first time was a little over two years ago, when I left my family, friends, hometown--pretty much everything I'd known and was used to--in order to attend a discipleship training school called Ellerslie all the way in Colorado.

I remember crossing the Memphis Bridge and feeling torn between the place I was leaving behind and what God had in store at the place I was heading to. It wasn't just the city--it was also having to leave behind my family, friends that were so close they almost might as well be family, and all the people I knew and had grown up with here--but deep down, there was a painful awareness that I had to leave Memphis for a time, the city I had grown to love while so many I knew merely tolerated, if not hated, living in.

After I came home from Ellerslie about six months later and spent the subsequent six or so months here in Memphis, I found God calling me to leave once again--this time for college. That transition was rougher than the one from Memphis to Ellerslie, not because the move held more of an unknown (when I left for Ellerslie I had no idea what I was getting into), but somewhat because of the opposite; I knew I was heading into a completely different sort of environment and that even as I was going to college, I was going against the flow of our culture. I knew I wasn't going to college for an education and wasn't called to keep my head low and simply make it through. It was going to be hard, a different kind of hard than I had ever known before. And as we left Memphis, I once again felt torn between my more long-term calling to Memphis and my current call to this college three and a half hours away.

But it was a good kind of torn, even as the extremely similar bittersweet ache I am feeling right now is a good kind of pain. It's the kind of pain that comes with leaving someone--or a group of someones--you have grown to love deeply. This summer, God brought me to some of the front lines in the battle for Memphis. Through living and working with Street Reach this summer, I have gained a better perspective of that battle, as well as getting to know specific people who are also fighting it and other specific people whose souls hang in the balance.

The good news is that I do not have to be here to continue to fight in this battle. Prayer reaches farther, deeper, and faster than any weapon of this world. Still, it is painful to physically leave Memphis. But the One who has called me is faithful, and as always, He has a plan and will not fail to carry it out as He leads me on from here. His has a purpose for taking me back to Mississippi, and He will not fail to use me there or to use this season to draw me yet closer to Him and to prepare me for what lies in store. Just as He perfectly orchestrated the timing of leading me to Street Reach this summer--from preparing me for it even when I had no idea what Street Reach even was, to walking me through every day of it this summer--He has perfectly orchestrated everything about leading me back to MC this school year.

So, as bittersweet as leaving Memphis is going to be, at the same I am excited for what lies ahead. The same God who led me from here before into adventures I never could have dreamed of, who led be back here and walked me through even more, has infinitely greater plans for what is yet to come than I can possibly imagine. It's going to be hard, but at the same time it will be infinitely rich and beautiful because my King will never leave my side nor fail to draw me closer to Himself.

Here goes.

Apart from Me...

There is a very short sentence with an incredibly powerful punch that has been pressed into my heart more and more over the past year: "Apart from Me, you can do nothing." It comes from John 15, when Jesus is talking about the vine and the branches. In the first part of verse 5, He says He is the vine and we are the branches and then paints a beautiful picture of the relationship with Him we're called to by saying "he who abides in Me, and I in him..." That word abide means to dwell, to remain, to live in, to stay, to rest in. And not only are we to abide in Him, but Christ Himself--the King of Kings, Immanuel (God with us)--abides in us as well. There is to be no separation, no departing one from the other. And when that is the case, Jesus says we "bring forth much fruit."

But after that comes the humbling, wondrous truth "for without Me you can do nothing." At first glance, that may seem pretty obvious and maybe even somewhat tame; without God enabling us, we can't do anything. But take a closer look, and you notice that word without is depicting a situation exactly the opposite of the abiding life we just saw in the first half of the verse. The opposite of within is without. Abiding in--dwelling inside, remaining joined to--and being without--outside, separate from. And how about the word can? It describes ability, strength, permission, etc. And do? Brings to mind James 1:22 ("Be doers of the Word, and not hearers only...") doesn't it? But the word that has struck me the hardest as of late has been that last one: nothing.

nothing.

Absolutely nothing. Not even a little. The word nothing there is literally translated from two Greek words, both of which mean "none, nothing." So it's sort of like saying, "Apart from me you can do no nothing." It's a double negative, reinforcing the absoluteness of the statement, even if it doesn't make perfect sense in English to phrase it like that.

There is no thing--nothing whatsoever--that we can do apart from Christ.
Years back, whenever I would hear this verse, I would nod my head along and think, "Well, duh, without God holding everything together and giving us life we wouldn't even be able to survive or to breathe." But something deeper has begun to sink in for me...No matter how much I may seem to be doing--even good things--if I am not abiding in Christ and if He is not abiding in me, it is worthless. I can go out in my own strength day after day after day and put in long hours of hard work; I can smile and do the "right" thing as much as I want--but at the end of the day, without Him, it is all meaningless.

Sometimes it's easy to go through life in automatic and to make the best of the situations that come up by handling them the way I've been taught to or the way I'm used to dealing with stuff. But that's not what I'm called to. I'm called to a life filled to overflowing with the never-ending adventure of living with and for and in my King--of having Him living in and through me every moment of every day--of living and moving and having my being in Christ (Acts 17:28), constantly. I am called to a life surrendered to His will, His timing, His holy power. So are you.

But He doesn't want robots. God is perfectly able to reach every lost soul Himself and to get through to people without our help. But He has chosen to do a more glorious thing by allowing us to come alongside Him in His work to redeem this world. He has made a way where there was no way and pulled off the impossible by taking people who had turned from Him and by doing so earned death--and not only rescuing us, but filling us with Himself, His very Spirit--so that we may abide in Him and He in us, and so that through our frail lives His great glory can shine forth. What is impossible for man is not impossible for God. Just as we were utterly incapable of saving ourselves, we are entirely incapable of doing God's work apart from Him.

As long as we live off our own fuel and remain (abide) in our puny mindsets of what each day is supposed to look like and how our lives are supposed to play out, we will accomplish exactly nothing. We will not move forward; we will not spur others forward; we will be of no use to God or to anyone around us. The only way we can ever hope to be of true use to the Kingdom of God and the advancement of His plans for this world, is to be fully surrendered to and abiding in Him. He is the solution; we are not. We never have been, and we never will be. But He always has been, and ever will be. So may our lives be filled with more of Him. May we abide in Him, and He in us, that He may be glorified.

 He must increase; I must decrease. 

Pray Bigger.

God's been bringing something to my attention lately. It's something He's shown me before, only this time He's being even more specific...

He's been showing me I've once again fallen into a habit of looking at the people in the world around me, and focusing on the need rather than the Answer to that need. I've been feeling overwhelmed by the magnitude of what needs to change in so many hearts and lives, if my generation is truly going to see any true, noticeable advancement of the Gospel and the Kingdom of God.

When I started college last Fall, before long I started feeling sort of like Elijah in 1 Kings 19 when he cried out to God saying he was the last of those that followed the LORD in Israel. It wasn't quite that extreme, I knew, because I have been blessed with many brothers and sisters in different parts of the country and the world who are passionately and wholeheartedly pursuing and living for Christ. But at college, I started feeling sort of like part of a dying breed, like I was one of the only people whose heart was broken over certain things I was seeing around me. But just as He did to Elijah, God spoke to me and reminded me of His great power. He told Elijah He still had seven thousand in Israel that had not bowed their knees to Baal, and in much the same way He reminded me of something He gave me a glimpse of a vision for several years ago. He wants to move mightily in my generation. He plans to. Even now, He is raising up saints and soldiers who will surrender their lives to Him and give themselves to advance His Kingdom and glory in this earth. Funny how I can forget that sometimes.

That season of broken-heartedness during my first semester was followed by one of worshipful, deeper discoveries of who God is and how infinitely big He is, how almighty and awesome. This is the God who has pulled off the impossible again and again throughout human history. Is anything too hard for Him?

Yet somehow, as humans we have this tendency at times to let our focus shift from our great God to all the mountains around us that must be moved. We forget Who must move those mountains, and begin to feel very small and incapable, to realize the utter impossibility of the task. But even though God could just pick up those mountains and toss them into the sea with less effort than it takes you or I to blink, He has chosen to work through the people He calls His own, through a very unique tool known as faith. Remember? Jesus said that faith the size of a mustard seed is enough to tell a mountain to move, and it would be moved. Is that a result of our faith--or of the One in whom our faith is placed?

Lately I've been struck by the sheer magnitude of the things that need to be overcome in my city, in America, in the world, and in the Church. I don't know why, but for some reason I've just never realized either the number of people involved or the level of delusion that has overcome so many. And once again, I started to feel like it's pretty impossible to hope for much to change for the better in this world we live in.

But then, God started reminding me of some things again... He brought up some specific memories of times He's very clearly spoken to me, or just filled me with hope and expectancy for things that, apart from Him, truly are impossible. And He aimed a rather pointed question/charge at my heart. He convicted me of not praying big enough. Of limiting my requests to the One who alone is the very Source of all power and grace. Of somehow thinking I could only pray for the small things, or that the small things were big enough.

Several years ago, God challenged me to dream bigger. It came after all my plans for my future had crumbled into dust, and for some time I had been utterly clueless as to what I wanted to be when I grew up, what I was going to do with my life. I had given up the goals I had set for myself for so long, and without them I literally had no clue what my life would look like after high school and college. Before God turned my world upside down, my dreams (in hindsight) were pretty mediocre and dull. I wanted to be a veterinarian, which I might've enjoyed to some extent, and have a husband, kids, pets, a house, etc. All the usual stuff. My idea for my future was puny, insignificant, and hollow. It was successful, perhaps, in the eyes of the world, but it lacked a driving purpose other than doing what I wanted to do in working with animals. I had let that dream go, but didn't know what to replace it with.

And that's when God told me to dream bigger. He challenged me to aim for a life filled with purpose--the very purpose I was created for, to glorify Him. Slowly, He started highlighting some areas He had gifted and called me in--most of them things I had only begun to discover after the old vision had been given up. I still had no clue what it was going to look like; I just knew some of what it would involve.

Now, revisiting that memory and others, God's been asking me if I'm willing to really trust Him to do all the things I have asked Him for--particularly in regards to my city and my generation. And if I focus on the mountains of impossibility, my heart quails and wants to shy away from ever praying the bold prayers I know my King is asking of me. But that's not where my gaze should be.

"Behold, I am the LORD, the God of all flesh: is there any thing too hard for Me?"

-Jeremiah 32:27

"What shall we say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?"

-Romans 8:31

In the words of Han Solo, "Never tell me the odds!" I don't care how impossible it seems to think that God could grip the hearts of an entire generation and change them, move on those hearts in such a way that the world cannot deny He is living and moving and having His being in them. He has given me a commission to pray for that, and I can much sooner bear the thought of asking Him for something this big, than the thought of holding back, of not trusting Him, and of someday realizing that the reason something didn't happen was because nobody had the guts to pray for it. "You have not, because you ask not" (James 4:2b).

"Lord, let us be a generation that seeks,
Seeks Your face, oh God of Jacob."  -Kutless

May we come to the place of faith that C.T. Studd so poignantly described: "We will a thousand times sooner die trusting only our God, than live trusting in man." I'm not claiming that I've reached a point of utter confidence as to what God intends to do in my generation just yet--but I know I need to fight for it. I know I need to pray for greater faith, and to recklessly trust Him to do what only He can. I don't know what it will look like; but I know He is able. And when it comes down to it, that's all I really need to know.

My Hope Is in You.

Wanna Hear a Cool Story?

This is going to be a bit long, but I wanted to give as much of the full story as possible.
Almost a year ago (has it really been that long?), I wrote a blog post about Memphis and the love and calling God has given me for my hometown. For at least five years now, God has been planting and growing desires in my heart regarding Memphis; He's given me a deep, unwavering love for the people of my city and a passionate longing to have them see and know God as He is, to surrender to Him, and to be forever changed by the power of the Gospel. At some point along the way, I started thinking about the inner city, and found myself growing more and more eager to go there and share the Gospel with the people who live there.

You see, when I was growing up, Memphis saw a huge movement (literally) of Christians. The problem was, they were moving out of the neighborhoods where gangs, drugs, and crime were becoming more prevalent, and into safer parts of town. They had good intentions; the main reason I've heard from some of these families was that they moved to protect their kids. That is a very real responsibility of parenthood, and I am not trying to point fingers or make a blanket-judgment on everyone who did this. My family moved too, and I do not and never have held it against my parents. They did what they felt was best, and looking back I believe it actually was the right choice for our family, especially because of the results it has had for my brothers. That being said, I'm not trying to condemn all the Christians in Memphis who now live in the suburbs and other "safe" areas of town. I cannot make some kind of blanket statement that it's wrong--especially when I just said that, for my family at least, it probably was the right choice.

However, this relocation had dramatic and harmful effects on those left behind. As the Christians moved out, these communities were left vulnerable and open to attack, and Satan took full advantage of that. Crime rates skyrocketed; drug use and gang violence became more and more prevalent; rape, murder, break-ins, arrests, and other reports started to become more and more commonplace in our local news stations' nightly reports. Memphis, we abandoned our own turf to this. The government didn't give up (at least not fully) on these parts of town: Money was poured into projects and school problems, and the police presence was upped to fight crime. But those things are not the ultimate answer; they cannot change crime and sin at the root; only the Gospel can. But during this time, nearly everyone who could, left.

Even while I was growing up in the suburbs, a passion for the inner city started growing in my heart. And somewhere along the way, I started praying. It's funny how, so many times, you start praying for God to do something without asking to be any part of it, and over time He changes your heart and you find yourself asking Him to send you. That's exactly what happened. But there was a problem, it seemed: I didn't live anywhere near the inner city, and honestly had hardly ever been close to it. Now what?

So I kept praying and asking God to show me what to do and to open the doors to whatever it was He had in store for me. Ironically, in the fall of 2009, I felt like He was telling me to go to this discipleship program that was just starting up the following summer--in Colorado. (This also wrecked my plans of going straight into college the fall after graduating high school, and I'm so glad it did!) As He is so faithful to do, God made it clear this was where He wanted me, and so the last few days of May 2010 found me saying a painful goodbye to the city I loved so dearly (and everyone in the city, including family and lifelong friends).

But God knew exactly what He was doing, even when I didn't have a clue. During my two semesters at Ellerslie, He did more in me than I could have ever anticipated or imagined. And when He sent me home to Memphis that December, I was ready to fight like never before for my city to know Christ. For I had learned how to fight--God had opened my eyes to what I had only just barely, once glimpsed before Ellerslie--how much of a battle ground prayer is, and how able our God is of working mightily through lives surrendered to His will. I still had no clear direction in regards to the inner city, but my prayers for Memphis had become more fervent, and I was more confident that they were not in vain--that God fully intends to redeem my city for His Kingdom.

A few months later, He provided me a job where I was paid to love on kiddos three days a week, and through that trained me in relying on His strength when my own was spent, relying on Him alone to give me grace to press on beyond my own abilities and be fully poured out for the children I worked with. There were so many times while I worked there that I knew I was worn out and needed to take a break and stop playing, but also knew that my calling right then was to stay engaged, to keep playing with and loving on these kids. And in those times of weakness, as I mentally cried out to God, "It has to be your strength, because I don't have any," again and again I saw Him come through. (Yes, this has something to do with where I'm going--trust me.)

One morning as I was listening to music on the way to work. My mp3 player was on shuffle, and a Lecrae song called "Beautiful Feet" came on. The song tells the stories of two men who grew up in the hood and ended up getting saved and going back to their neighborhoods to preach the Gospel. I'm sure I had heard this song before, but it hadn't hit home until that morning as I listened to the challenge Lecrae presents through it, calling on those whom God has called to the 'Hood to go there with the good news. He addresses those of us who haven't necessarily grown up in that environment, but who are called to go there and be His beautiful feet by bringing the Gospel. That morning, one line from this song leapt out at me and gripped me. I'm not sure if I'd ever caught it before, but if I had it hadn't sunk in that it was addressed to me. The line was this: "But who would minister in the sinister part of town? I pray if Jesus is calling you, you would be found." It cut me to the heart. In that moment, God whispered to my soul something to the effect of, "I have called you, and you know it. Will you answer the call?"

I didn't know what specifically He was asking of me, but I knew I needed to surrender again to His plans and His timing, even when I had no idea what they would look like. What I did have some clarity on was that He was asking me to be open to whatever timing God would present, and that I couldn't box it off in my mind that there was no way I could do anything in inner-city Memphis until I was out of college, etc. The other thing I felt Him clearly asking of me was to talk with my parents and share this with them, to ask them ahead of time to let me go wherever God led me, whenever He presented the opportunity. Mom and Dad already knew my heart for Memphis and the sense of calling I had for my city, but I felt that God needed to prepare them to be willing to let me risk potential danger for the sake of following our King. And He did prepare them for that; He used our conversations to make all three of us willing to allow God to lead me wherever and whenever He would into the heart of Memphis.

One Saturday evening not too long after that (this was in summer 2011), I had some time on my hands and felt the need to just spend time with God. I took my guitar with me to a nearby park and spent some time in worship and then in prayer, and when the sun started to set I packed up and headed to Starbucks, where I planned to find a nice little nook and sit with my Bible and a journal and soak up some more time alone with Jesus. On the way, I spontaneously changed my mind about which location I was going to, because I realized there was one closer that would probably be less populated on a night like this (this was pure conjecture, because I can probably count on one hand the number of times I've been to any Starbucks in the Memphis area).

As I pulled into the parking lot of this coffee shop that had not been in my original agenda, I thought things were still going basically according to plan. And they were, it just wasn't my plan! As I got in line behind two college-age girls, my sparkling raspberry soda in hand (yes, I knew I was in a coffee joint), I overheard them talking to the cashier. Some comment had made it obvious they didn't live in Memphis, so he asked what brought them here. When one of them replied that they were summer missionaries with a ministry in inner-city Memphis, my pulse quickened and my ears perked up. I paid for my soda, and then did something completely uncharacteristic for me: I walked up to complete strangers and introduced myself. Not only that, I explained that I had heard their conversation with the cashier and if they had a minute to tell me more about this ministry they were working with.

As it turned out, they were there with a whole group of summer missionaries and staff from Street Reach, which at that time I had never even heard of. Not only was the whole team there, but the director, Jason Cox, was there too. I was introduced to the rest of the group, and I explained to them basically what I've just been laying out here (though I gave them a shorter version)--how God has been giving me a passion for Memphis, specifically the inner city. And they told me about more of what they do.

Street Reach is a ministry based at Brinkley Heights Baptist Church--in inner-city Memphis! It started as the result of this small, impoverished church body, who about twenty years ago began praying that, if God would send the resources and reinforcements, they would work to take back their community for the Kingdom of God. Street Reach is what has come out of that prayer. While active in the community year-round, Street Reach runs Backyard Bible Clubs throughout the summer each year, with youth groups and college students coming in one-week shifts throughout to help facilitate these and also serve the community in other ways like nursing home visits, maintenance, lawn mowing, etcetera.

As you can probably imagine (especially if you know me very well), as I listened to all this I was getting more and more excited. I could already see that it had not been coincidence that I ran into these people or heard about this, and while I didn't know yet what might come of it, I knew God was up to something here. Before I left, Jason Cox (the director) gave me his card and told me to feel free to email him sometime if I ever wanted to drop by and see what they did first-hand, or if I was interested in being a part of Street Reach in the future.

I went home enthusiastic and ready to dive headfirst through this door God was clearly opening before me, but as it turned out, He was only showing me a glimpse; it wasn't time yet. I emailed Jason a few weeks later and asked about being able to come volunteer and help out, but I never heard back from him. For a while, this was puzzling to me, but God knew exactly what He was doing. He had other things lined up.

So last fall found me headed to college in Mississippi, once again saying an agonizing goodbye to my city for a season, and unsure of when God would ever open the door for me to go work in Memphis' inner city. But as I said, He had a plan (as always!). About a month later, my sister and I found the church in Jackson (Wesley Chapel) that was to become our home while we're at college. The youth group there, which we also got involved working with, is largely inner-city kids, plus some homeschoolers (it makes for an awesome combination, believe me--love our youth!!). Also at college, I've gotten involved with apartment ministries through the BSU (Baptist Student Union), and this semester my English class has been doing service-learning by helping tutor kids at a nearby apartment complex. Through all of these, and through college life in general, God has not only provided more experience working with kids from different backgrounds, but He has also been training me in how to be more fully poured out and to rely upon Him to lead me and give me words to speak when I tell them about Him, among other things. (Ever notice it's kind of hard to summarize everything God is working in your life?)

Ready? Here's where things start getting really exciting. On January 20, 2012, I received an email from Jason, the director of Street Reach, saying that they had some senior-staff positions open for this summer. He attached the application for it in case I was interested. I was stunned at first, for multiple reasons. One, I had never heard back from him when I'd emailed before, and I thought they had probably forgotten about ever meeting me--but he specifically mentioned that in the email. Two, I had assumed I was going back to my old job (childcare) for the summer, and that that was where God wanted me; now here was an opportunity to instead spend my summer in the very part of town He had been burdening me for for so long. I was a bit overwhelmed, to say the least.

Not wanting to repeat history and jump the gun on this, I spent a lot of time praying before I responded. I did email back with a few questions, and in that way found out that it would be a full-time commitment from the end of May all the way to the end of July, and then that it was actually a paying position, which I had not expected. In fact, as I had been praying before I found that out, I was asking God to be clear with me because I knew He could provide for me if He wanted me to do this instead of working elsewhere to earn money towards college. One by one, the doors started to swing open...from my parents being not only okay with, but excited about the opportunity...to God giving me the go-ahead to start on the application...to one of my employers at my old job being so enthusiastic that she was not only willing to not have me work there for the sake of this, but was also willing to provide a reference for me for the Street Reach application...to confirmations on nearly every side... In a lot of ways, what God has done these past few months is simply too awesome to put into words.

(This is the part where everything starts to tie together.) During Spring Break, I went in for my interview for the position at Street Reach. It was one of the most amazing, worshipful experiences of my life! It was then, as they explained in greater detail what this summer will look like and asked me questions, I suddenly became aware of so many of God's fingerprints in setting all of this up. It was then that I saw all the ways He has prepared me, from my family background and upbringing, to the youth group I grew up in, to the church we're at now in Memphis, to various experiences through the years, to Ellerslie and all that happened there, to the church and youth group my sister and I are plugged into in Jackson, to apartment ministries and tutoring here in Mississippi...everything God has been building in me for just about my entire life, He is going to utilize--and deepen--this summer as I work with Street Reach (yes, I got the job!).

After years and years of being readied for this, without knowing it, at long last I am heading into the place God has been laying on my heart for years. It's humbling to see this coming to pass and to realize the depth of the calling I have been given--to be fully spent and poured out in service to my King by serving in the heart of my city and fighting alongside Him to rescue those that most would overlook.

I know God has great plans for this city, this nation, this world, and this generation. He's called us to be a part of that, but it starts in the here and now. Memphis will not change unless the hearts of the people in this city change. America will not be changed unless the people in it surrender themselves to the Lord and allow Him to change them. This world and this generation will see no lasting good, until the individuals who make up this world and our generation call upon the only One who is good. Humans have tried for centuries to solve the world's problems. We've spent lifetimes of hours and millions of dollars in research, programs, methodologies, and so on, trying to make the world a better place, and all the while it has only gotten worse. The problem lies at the heart: sinful human nature. And there is only one Cure: the Gospel of Jesus Christ, who through His life, death, and resurrection defeated the powers of sin and death and purchased not only redemption and forgiveness, but also our inheritance: the Holy Spirit (see Ephesians 1). It is only by the power of Christ in us that we can live for Him and be His hands and His feet to this dying world.

It is only through Him that I can have any true or lasting effect on my city. But where He calls, He equips. He may be sending this girl who has thus far lived a pretty sheltered life, largely in the suburbs, to live in a neighborhood with a completely different culture than what I've grown up in, but His plans don't look like the ones we humans would come up with. I am indescribably excited to embark on this new assignment just over a month from now, and to see all that God does then, in the meantime, and after. I have a feeling this will not be my only opportunity to serve and fight on the front lines for my city.

But God's Kingdom is advanced through prayer. I have already put years of prayer into this, but that doesn't end now that the opportunity is here. If anything, it must increase. Will you join me in praying for our great God to have His way--now, this summer, and beyond--in Memphis, in your city, in our nations, in this world, and in our generation? Rise up, men and women of the Lord Most High, and fight like never before for our King and His glory! Rak Khazak!!

"And I will be known in the eyes of many nations, 

and they shall know that I am the LORD."

-Ezekiel 38:23b

Burnout?

There are many things (probably more than I could think of to list) that I have been taught and nurtured in growing up in regards to the Christian life. But there are also a few things that were either taught or just generally accepted, which at some point I began to realize have no biblical basis, or else have just been a little twisted by our Americanized-Christian culture. I will say that these are few and far between when it comes to the instruction I received growing up, but recently one in particular has been coming up that I just feel the need to go ahead and say something about. Burnout.
This is the idea that, as Christians, we need to be careful to not do too much, because if we do we end up with too much on our plate, we'll fizzle out and wind up with no energy, no strength, nothing to offer. It makes sense, if you think about it logically. Overexert, and you wind up useless and weaker than you started.

But there's a problem with this line of thinking. As Christians, we are called to not lean on our own strength, our own ability, but to fully and only rely on Jesus Christ. His strength is made perfectly evident in our weakness, because He's the strong one--not us. Our God is not weak or incapable.

Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might He increases strength. Even youths shall faint and grow weary, and young men shall utterly fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. -Isaiah 40:28-31

 This is one of those feel-good passages so many of us have heard so many times, even memorized for Bible class or Sunday school. But sometimes with verses like these, we allow them to lose their potency for us because we don't really listen to what they're saying, they're so familiar to us. So go back and read it again, really read it--listen to what it's saying.

Do you see it? It's teaching the same thing the New Testament does: that our strength must come from God, or we won't have any worth mentioning. The "burnout" principle has some truth to it. If we set out in our own strength to do what we think God's called us to, in our power, we will wind up miserable failures at it all. There won't be fruit, and instead the life will be sucked out of us who are trying, in our own strength, to do something good for God. That's the problem. First, it has to really be what He's called you to. God doesn't just give us strength and say, "Now go find a way to use it!" He has a purposeful, specific plan for each of us in advancing His Kingdom. Not all are called to be overseas missionaries. Not all are called to be teachers or pastors or even parents. But each one of us has a unique calling, and when God calls, He equips. It is only by His strength that we can accomplish His work; that's why the Gospel's so important. God Himself has done what we could not do, and through His death has given us Life--a.k.a. Himself. "I am the way, the truth and the life..." ring any bells?
God didn't give us a job, sit back, and say, "Good luck with that." He filled us with the only thing that can accomplish His will--Him. He is the everlasting God. He doesn't faint or grow weary; we do. He never fails; we do.

So now we come to the side of burnout that's not biblically sound: the idea that we can be doing "too much" for God. It's true that when we do life on our own terms and in our own strength, we will run out of energy, motivation, and ability to carry it all out. But it's not true that when we are doing what we were created for and relying on Christ to do what we can't on our own, we will meet with burnout. Study the New Testament. Who is Lord of the Sabbath? Who is to be our rest, our strength, our savior, the Head of the Body, the foundation upon which everything rests? Jesus. As long as our gaze is on Him, He will equip us for every good work that He has for us to do.

Do we ever see Paul decide he's done enough and he can take it easy now? On the contrary, he gets stoned and dragged out to the trash heap, then revives and gets right back up and strolls straight back into town to keep preaching. In addition to preaching and ministering everywhere he goes, he makes tents and sells them for a living, finds time to write to the churches in other cities, and never ceases praying for the believers everywhere. Sounds like a pretty good description of work that, if done day in and day out over the course of years, is a recipe for wearing you out quickly.

So what?

Have we been promised a life of ease and comfort, to do the minimal amount of work, stamp God's name on it, and say we've made our contribution and can hang out at the status quo? I don't think I've ever read a single verse in the entire Bible that even hints at that. If there are any, feel free to point them out to me. But I'm pretty sure we were promised trials, persecution, hardship, and slander, and for our flesh, a daily, bloody death on a cross. Crosses aren't comfortable. And Jesus hadn't died on one yet when He commanded us to daily take up our cross and follow Him. But He has died, and He has risen. And He has called us to follow Him, to preach His Gospel to the ends of the earth, to make disciples, to glorify Him in all things. He's called us to a life we can't live without Him.

We do not go alone into this world, bearing the good news. We go filled with and clothed in Him (check out Ephesians). The hope of glory is Christ in you. So should we settle for anything less? Should we keep trying to do things our own way, in our own strength, when we've been given the opportunity of a lifetime to be spent and poured out for the glory of our King?

"The hour of God is struck! War is at hand! In God's holy name, let us arise and build! The God of heaven, He will fight for us, and we for Him. We will not build on the sand but on the bedrock of the sayings of Christ. And the gates and minions of hell shall not prevail against us. Should such men as we fear? Before the whole world, aye, before the sleepy, lukewarm, faithless, namby-pamby world, we will venture our all for Him, we will live and we will die for Him, and we will do it with His joy unspeakable singing aloud in our hearts. We will a thousand times sooner die trusting in our God than live trusting in man. And when we come to this position, the battle is already won, and the end of the glorious campaign in sight."  -C.T. Studd

Let Us Run.

Don't you love it when God takes something you feel like you've already known (at least with your head), and reveals it on an even deeper level? I do. That ecstatic feeling of having just plunged into greater depths of knowing Him? Yeah, that's what I've been feeling lately.
And you know what? I've realized it has nothing to do with circumstance. It's not like there was something that happened recently that caused any of this; it was just God.
The other night, and I don't think I even fully know how it happened or how on earth to describe it, but all the sudden I was so overwhelmed by the presence of my King, so humbled and awed, so filled to bursting with joy and gratitude, that just about all I could do was smile up at Him and laugh, for there were no words. I know I probably looked like an absolute lunatic if anyone saw me outside pacing (and possibly dancing) in the parking lot. But even that thought was not enough to make me want to "tone it down" even a little. If anything, it made me smile even more! Call me crazy, but I love my God!!
Like I said, there was no particular circumstance that led to this time of joyous worship and deep communion with my King. If anything, current circumstances would seem like they should have the opposite effect. Between burdens for several people I know or know of who do not know Jesus and are in not-so-good situations, the pressure of some decisions I'm facing, and the usual stresses of schoolwork, you'd seriously think I'd be stealing away with God simply to get away from it all, or that I'd be so overwhelmed with all that that I wouldn't be able to focus on anything else. But here's the thing: by the grace of God (for it's certainly not something I have any ability in on my own!), I trust Him. Again and again He's proven Himself faithful, again and again He's caused my faith to be challenged and then strengthened and then put to greater tests...and the result is that I am now more certain than ever before that He is in control and He will work all things together according to His perfect will.
What I've been experiencing lately is the Author and Source of joy dwelling within me and pouring that joy into me like never before. I can't contain it!
So that's why I'm up at midnight even though I have class at 8:00 tomorrow. Because my God is so great that even when I am completely overwhelmed and blown away by the depth and beauty of His joy (which, I may point out, is only one of His attributes)--it's still only a tiny droplet in the limitless ocean of the fullness of His joy!

"Draw me after You; let us run.
The King has brought me into His chambers."
-Song of Songs 1:4a